power of connection & myth of normal

Dr. Gabor Maté: The Power of Connection & The Myth of Normal | Wholehearted – oct 2022

gabor maté – attachment & authenticity.. gabor on myth of normal.. myth of normal.. et al

notes/quotes from 70 min video:

4 min – the what to do.. is always the wrong question.. what to do about racism, bullying, econ crisis, .. that’s not the important question.. the important question is always why.. w/o looking to see what is giving rise to phenom.. never going to get at right answers..

5 min – today.. we see a global society.. we see increasing levels of mental illnesses.. auto immune diseases.. ms.. asthma.. autism.. anxiety is fastest growing diagnosis across america esp in young people.. we like to rely on the genetic part.. but can’t be genes.. ie: women worse over 7 yrs.. genes don’t change in population.. 10 yrs.. 5 yrs..

10 min – i don’t have the answers.. i just say the why is so important

11 min – i’m suggesting that rather than looking to diagnose diseases or conditions or behaviors.. why don’t we look at .. what is the nature of human beings.. and what are the conditions necessary for the healthy development of human beings.. t.. and what happens when those healthy conditions are not met

12 min – in other words.. instead of seeing human behavior as inherently pathological or healthy.. why don’t we look at it as the outcome of circumstances.. just as we would the development or mal development of a plant or an animal..

i’m certainly interested in .. *what is human nature.. and **what conditions promote its healthy development and ***what conditions undermine it.. t

*maté basic needs

**undisturbed ecosystem – so now .. with us all intoxicated whales.. need 1st/most: means to undo our hierarchical listening to self/others/nature ie: tech as it could be

***any form of m\a\p

from pov of how does a culture meet the needs of human beings.. and how does it promote healthy/unhealthy development

13 min – gdp only measures success.. by possession/control/production of matter.. material stuff.. but is that really the true society of a successful human society..

krishnamurti measure law et al.. we need to calculate differently and stop measuring things

14 min – what i would suggest is an equally important.. to what do we (assume?) of human needs.. so what is the nature of human nature.. *in this system.. it’s taught/believed it’s selfish, individualistic, aggressive and competitive.. but i believe that to speak of that is to make an elementary mistake.. **to take this society as the standard of how human beings are supposed to be.. it’s true that we’re taught to behave that way.. most successful people do behave that way..

*myth of tragedy and lord ness

*for all of history ness

hari rat part law et al

15 min – so .. if that’s human nature.. what can you do.. that’s just human nature.. but what if that is not human nature.. what if that is a distortion of human nature.. what if our nature demands something else entirely..

we have no idea what legit free people are like

we need to look at how human beings evolved

or perhaps not.. perhaps that’s part of the problem.. history ness et al

and then we have to look at .. what are the needs of the human child.. needs of human being.. rather than trying to determine nature of human nature by how human beings behave in certain situations.. let’s look at it from the pov of their needs..t then i think what we’ll find is not so much that there’s human nature that predicts diff behaviors (ie: a hitler or a jesus or a martin luther king).. so what then is human nature..

imagine if we org around legit needs

16 min – what if we understood that there’s not so much of a human nature that produces human behavior.. but a human nature that means that we have certain needs.. *and if those needs are met.. we’re going to behave in predictable ways.. and if needs not met we’re also going to behave in **predictable ways

*like whales in sea world

**aka: predictable unpredictable ways

17 min – so it’s not our behavior that defines our nature.. but our needs that define our nature.. and the behaviors reflect the degree to which those needs are met.. or whether they are not met.. t

huge huge huge ginormous huge

what if we look at it from that pov.. well.. what do we find from that pov.. and how would looking at human nature from that angle lead us to understand what we call physical or mental pathology.. i say what we call.. because diagnoses and pathology and so on is just a certain way of looking at something.. it doesn’t necessarily reflect reality.. or it might describe a certain reality.. but it doesn’t explain reality.. and we have to make a distinction between descriptions and explanations

sea world ness with all the whalespeak

18 min – so what is human nature.. what is the need of any human child.. and it doesn’t matter what child.. north pole.. south pole.. east or west.. europe africa asia n america..

not yet scrambled ness and missing pieces

the essential need of the human child is for attachment.. t a biological drive/connection to another human being.. essential.. because w/o it we can’t survive.. the human child is the most immature/dependent/vulnerable creature in the universe.. so w/o somebody looking after her/him that don’t survive.. so you can say.. that attachment drive is part of our human nature.. in other words we’re born for love.. another word for attachment is love

missing piece #2

19 min – not only the love of the child.. attachment of child to parent.. but attachment of parent to child.. pulled together for purpose of being taken care of or for taking care of.. also for reasons throughout a lifespan.. ie.. most of history living in small band hunter gatherer.. that meant children always around their parents.. no separation.. and not just parents.. whole group of adults all of whom acted as parental figures.. so child grew up in a ensconced.. in a network of very safe attachments.. everybody cared for the child

all of us..

20 min – #1, #2, when study h g.. always carried children everywhere.. and #3.. (the reason i’m talking about hg’s.. is because that’s human nature.. that’s how we evolved)

yeah.. i don’t think it was/is.. i think way better.. but we were still in sea world then..

dawn of everything (book) and deeper et al

22 min – so 1/ multiple adult attachments 2/ never separated physically #3 – didn’t let their kids cry.. if cried.. immediately cuddled.. we teach sleep training.. don’t pick up.. so you can sleep thru night.. so you can go to work in am.. and #4.. and generally hg’s don’t hit kids.. if they do.. because climbing on an ant hill.. but not as punishment..

25 min – so.. 1\ multiple adult attachments 2\ never separated physically 3\ not being hit 4\ not being allowed to cry..

why does a kids cry? no other way to ask for help.. a sign of distress.. distressed when needs not met.. if need attachment contact.. will cry.. when needs met child is soothed/eased and nervous system relaxes.. when denied.. child gets riled up.. then stress hormones going thru whole body to brain.. which interferes with healthy brain development.. when don’t pick up kids.. interfering with early brain development

when body says no et al

26 min – so.. what i’m saying is.. from very beginning in this society.. *we’re denying people’s essential needs for healthy development.. right from the get go.. not even going into natural births.. et al.. and then **live in a very stressful society.. and if parents are stressed kids are stressed.. if stressed as adult.. and mature enough.. can regulate self.. infant can’t do that.. no self regulation..

*any form of m\a\p

**hari present in society law et al

27 min – infant’s brain requires the mature function of the adults brain to regulate itself (dan siegel).. so what if adult’s brain not functioning maturely because never got attachment.. when you stress parents.. that affects the child’s physiology

who ever really got it? brown belonging law et al..

dan siegel

29 min – western med separates mind from body.. so in west certain question just don’t arise.. ie: any specialist in last 5 yrs if your ologist asked about your childhood relationship w parents.. asked you if ever been traumatized.. asked about your self concept.? about stress on the job.. nobody?.. because western med mind separates mind form body.. so if physical problem it’s just a physical problem


30 min – the fact that the mind/body are not only inseparable theoretically but in practice.. we have the science that shows how inseparable they are.. despite the fact that science shows the unity.. practice leaves them as two.. we also separate the individual from the environ

31 min – emotions can’t be separated from physiology.. the separation is unscientific and untenable in real life.. leads to another question.. why are so many parents stressed these days.. and further more.. if look at asthmatic afro american women.. is that asthma a manifestation of her own pathology .. or reflecting a social malaise .. a historical problem in this country.. the separations are illegitimate.. and this isn’t a new idea.. this interconnectedness

thurman interconnectedness law et al

33 min – leaf contains earth, sun and sky.. every phenom depends on existence of all other..

34 min – if look at parental stress.. it’s not an individual phenom..

what i’m saying is that there’s no condition of human beings that we call pathology that doesn’t reflect social/cultural background/issue.. and we can’t understand any of this w/o looking at the larger picture..

grammatis broken law et al

35 min – all ologists give steroids.. which are copies of cortisol.. which is the stress hormone.. we’re treating everything w stress hormones.. maybe it should occur to us that stress has something to do w these occurring conditions.. and that stress is not an individual problem.. stress is a social problem.. so manifestations of something in the culture

hari rat park law et al

36 min – ie: multiple sclerosis.. why women levels higher.. take on stress.. women always take on stress.. so women weaker.. or take on more stress.. that hasn’t changed.. but now have to play econ role.. career et al.. which would be ok if other role shared equally.. but it isn’t.. women still the stress absorbers.. and there’s more stress than used to be.. because less connection

38 min – dr steve bourgeious: safety not a question of lack of threat.. safety is the presence of connection..

gershenfeld something else law via imagine if we ness

imagine if we just focused on listening to the itch-in-8b-souls.. first thing.. everyday.. and used that data to augment our interconnectedness.. we might just get to a more antifragile, healthy, thriving world.. the ecosystem we keep longing for..

what the world needs most is the energy of 8b alive people

so.. need 1st/most: means to undo our hierarchical listening to self/others/nature ie: tech as it could be

41 min – on stress and isolation combo.. friend saying how you feeling makes stress level go down.. cortisol suppresses immune system.. so malignancy more likely to develop.. cancer is not disease of the individual.. but a life time history of relationship to culture/society .. not about medical care

cancer ness et al

krishnamurti measure law et al

43 min – only way to look at human beings.. as a bio/psycho/social view of human beings.. i think if we look (deeper) would add spiritual.. connection w something greater than we are.. also ecology et al.. pollution affecting pregnant mom’s babies et al

45 min – so if we look at human beings at human needs .. for connection.. for child rearing, pro creation, group formation, what we call rugged individualism is opp of human nature..

46 min – furthermore.. we make a huge distinction between individuality and individualism.. being an individual means not just doing our own thing.. it means being able to maintain yourself .. our individuality .. while interacting w other human beings..

missing piece #1

maté trump law.. brown belonging law.. et al

47 min – so.. rise in mental/physical health pathology.. despite advances in science.. maybe what’s missing is not med dedication/skill.. but a perspective that connects the dots.. t and if we connected the dots.. then when went to see physician about asthma they’d ask about history et al..

taleb center of problem law et al

problem deep enough ness

48 min – that’s important because.. it’s not what happened in childhood that’s the problem.. it’s what we made it mean for ourselves that is the problem and about how we carry what happened in ourselves..

49 min – new study today.. children stressed/abused as children.. stress changes functioning of nervous system thru immune system.. to make them more susceptible to affects of cocaine.. in other words.. more likely to be addicted..

bush immune system law.. immunity.. et al..

i’m 74 now.. (story of abandonment as child affecting similar unfounded feelings today).. reaction of a small infant for protection.. high levels of stress in my body

53 min – james baldwin said.. ‘to be black male is to be in a constant state of stressed rage.. ‘. . so take high blood pressure.. ‘got to be genetic’.. no it isn’t..

56 min – you can’t separate individual malaise from history and culture as it is today.. ie: cancer, cocaine addict-ability, mental illnesses that develop as compensations – pushing down feelings as coping mech to spare your attachments..

cope\ing ness because ie: hari present in society law et al

58 min – anti depressants work sometimes.. but they’re not the answer

1:00 – 80% of auto immune diseases are women

1:01 – if understand all these historical/cultural/familial pressures impose certain behaviors on you.. certain patterns of social realtinsvio.. not because of me.. i have capacity now to become a conscious human being and transform myself.. not easy.. because these adaptations make us think we have to be that way.. except.. something is telling us that this is not right..

1:02 – when things go wrong.. it’s possible to see them as necessary and as teachers.. my teacher (*ah almaas) says: ‘your conflicts, all the difficult things, the problematic situation in your life, are not chance or haphazard.. they’re actually yours.. they’re specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else.. **the part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself.. you’re not going to to in the right direction unless there’s something pricking you in the side telling you ‘look here.. this way’ .. that part of you loves you so much that it doesn’t want you to lose the chance.. it will go to extreme measures to wake you up.. it will make you suffer greatly if you don’t listen.. what else can it do? that is its purpose’

*a h almaas.. almaas holes law.. maté and almaas on trauma and spirit.. et al

**when body says no.. and imagine if we ness..

need 1st/most: means to undo our hierarchical listening to self/others/nature ie: tech as it could be

1:02 – from that pov .. we can look at individual problems.. adhd.. ms.. as a problem to get rid of or as warning signs that we’re out of sink with our true nature.. that something in us is trying to wake us up.. same perspective in society.. a wake up call.. what is our true nature.. what kind of society/culture would we have if true to our nature..

1:03 – answer is yes.. there is a human nature.. built for love and contact.. for connection.. mutual protection/aid.. when we rear people and base whole society on lines that transgress those needs.. we get exactly what we’ve got today.. a society increasingly conflicted/fractured/disconnected.. and where chronic human pathology on the rise

1:04 – what don’t understand is that pathologies are a manifestation of a life.. diseases don’t have a life of their own.. they express life of individual.. and if life changes so can pathologies..

and furthermore.. human beings have an innate healing capacity.. in all human beings.. plant or animal.. along w contributions of western med.. we could do so much more if we respected healing capacity w/in individual.. which is very connected with emergence of the true self.. for that.. you need the truth.. you actually have to look at what’s going on.. and there’s so much denial going on

so.. let’s do this first: free art\ists.. and then.. trust us

1:06 – diff proposition for ed system.. not for knowledge factory.. but where human development nurtured..


if science straight forward and conclusion so clear.. why don’t we embrace/follow it.. because if everything i’ve said true.. everything would have to change.. t.. *how we pass laws.. how we education.. how we run econ.. you’d have to have **something different..

*actually.. those would become irrlevants if legit different

**humanity needs a leap.. to get back/to simultaneous spontaneity .. simultaneous fittingness.. everyone in sync..


1\ undisturbed ecosystem (common\ing) can happen

2\ if we create a way to ground the chaos of 8b legit free people

need 1st/most: means to undo our hierarchical listening to self/others/nature ie: tech as it could be

getting to that something different has to begin w an inquiry and i hope i’ve said enough to encourage you to continue in that path of inquiry..