gabor on authenticity & attachment

gabor maté on attachment & authenticitymissing pieces.. maté basic needs law.. et al

How to stop people pleasing and set authentic boundaries while staying kind: Gabor Maté – april 2023 – []

notes/quotes from 7 min video:

here’s how it works.. a child has an absolute need for attachment.. can’t survive w/o it.. to be close to people so they’ll take care of us..t

missing piece/need #2

1 min – we have another need though.. to be authentic.. feeling your gut feelings.. absolutely essential..t

missing piece/need #1

[huge.. these are the 2 legit needs we need to org around]

2 min – but what happens is.. angry about something.. only way we develop emotional health is if we are allowed to feel all our emotions.. including anger, grief, sadness, joy, .. some families can’t handle that.. so give message.. i’m going to threaten you with the thing that means the most to you which is the attachments relationship.. if you feel your feelings you’re going to be dis attached.. when you no longer feel your feelings.. you can come back and talk to me.. t

maté parenting law.. graeber parent/care law.. et al

3 min – or if already lot of stress w parents.. and child doesn’t want to bother them with their own emotions.. now child becomes the parents emotional caregiver by suppressing their own feelings..t

interpretive labor.. caring labor.. et al

4 min – so there’s this conflict between attachment and authenticity.. in that conflict.. attachment is going to win every time.. and people suppress their authenticity .. t

maté trump law

specifically.. if they weren’t loved for who they are they’re going to work very hard to be liked.. and if you want to be liked.. just please everybody.. never say no.. take everything on.. be responsible for how other people feel.. never disappoint anybody.. they’re all going to like you.. but nobody is going to love you.. because they don’t know you

evans polite\ness law et al

then there’s all the social expectations that you should fit in.. there’s all these pressures not to be yourself..t

cummings art\ist law.. olivier wrong about you law.. et al

5 min – and then what happens is.. you get sick.. you get depressed.. you get anxious.. you get cancer.. you get auto immune disease.. you get addicted.. because the pain of not being yourself is too much..t

#1 regret of the dying

the good news is.. the self you abandoned all those years ago.. not deliberately/consciously.. and it was never your fault.. but what happens is that self which you disconnected from .. which is the essence of trauma.. the disconnection from yourself.. that never went away.. it’s still there.. and it’s talking to you and it’s talking to you thru your body/emotions.. so it’s a matter of learning how to pay attention..

need 1st/most: means to undo our hierarchical listening to self/others/nature so we can org around legit needs (maté basic needs)

me other tool

6 min – and at some point you have a decision to make.. as a child i had no choice.. i had to go with the attachment.. as an adult i don’t have to anymore.. and yes.. if i’m authentic.. i may lose some of my attachments