tweak

tweak.png

(2009) by Nic Sheff

___________

film

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beautiful_Boy_(2018_film)

trailer: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NR8w8s9zWA]

movie named after david’s book – beautiful boy and nic’s book – tweak

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notes/quotes:

part 1

4

early that morning when i (age 18) took those off white crushed shards up that blue, cut plastic straw (meth) well, my whole world pretty much changed after that.. there was feeling like.. my god, this is what i’ve been missing my entire life. it completed me. i felt whole for the first time..

almaas holes law

i guess i’ve pretty much spent the last 4 yrs chasing that first night.. i wanted desperately to feel that wholeness against..  it was like, i don’t know.. everything else faded out.. all my reams.. hopes.. ambitions.. relationships – they all fell away ..  i dropped out of college twice, my parents kicked me out and basically my life unraveled..

5

treatment et al.. throughout all of it the underlying craving never really left me..  accompanied by the illusion that , the next time, things would be diff.. i’d be able to handle it better. i didn’t want to keep hurting people.. /myself..

a girlfriend once said to me ‘i don’t understand, why don’t you just stop?’

i couldn’t think of an answer.. the fact was, i couldn’t just stop. that sounds like a cop out but it’s the truth.. it’s like i’m being held captive buy some insatiable monster that will not let me stop..  all my values/beliefs..everything i care about, they all go away the moment i get high. there is a sort of insanity that takes over..

12

my little sister, never failed to point out the delicate flowers or intricately shaped stones as we went on walks together. she was so present and filled w wonder. meth gives me that childlike exuberance.. it allows me to see, to really see..t..  the world appears miraculous and i laugh and run down the beach until i’m gasping for air – then back to lauren..

carhart-harris entropy law

maté not yet scrambled law

14

(johnny a resident in treatment): ‘i felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them but somehow i’d just missed it.  they all seemed to know exactly what they were so doing while i didn’t have a clue. that is, until i found drugs and alcohol. then it was like my world suddenly went from b&w to technicolor’..t

of course that had been my experience too.. i loved drugs. i loved what they did for me.. they relieved me of that terrible sense of isolation i had always felt..  they gave me the manual to life johnny had described.. i could not.. not give that up

almaas holes law

maté trauma law

cope\ing ness

17

the truth was, i didn’t’ want to stop. it’ snot like i enjoyed stealing or hurting my dad, or whatever. i mean, i hated it. but i was so scared of coming off the drugs.. it was like this horrible vicious cycle.. the more i used, the more i did things i was ashamed of  and the more i had to use so i never had to fact that..  when i reached a certain point w my drug used, going back just seemed like too far a journey..  accepting responsibility, admitting guilt, making restitution, hell, just saying i’m sorry, it had become too daunting.. all i could do was move forward and keep doing everything in my power to forget the past

under the skin

shame

31

there’s something about outward appearances that has always been important to me. i always thought i was so ugly. i mean, i really did. i remember being in la at my mom’s house as a little kid and just staring into the mirror for hours.. it was like, if i looked long enough, maybe i’d finally be handsome. it never worked. i just got uglier and uglier.. nothing about me ever seemed good enough.. and there was this sadness inside me – this hopelessness..  focusing on my physical appearance was at least easier than trying to address the internal shit. i could control the external .. at least.. to a point.. i could by diff clothes, cut my hair or whatever..  the pit opening up inside me was too frightening to even look at..

it’s so shallow and ridiculous and i see it, i do, but i’m powerless to change. i mean, i don’t know how to change. all i can do is just shoot more goddamn drugs..t

32

i’ve never seen a job all the way thru to the end – not even in sobriety. i always get so overwhelmed trying to do everything perfectly. i can’t do a job and not put everything i have into it.. i need to be the best employee, coworker, whatever.. i need everyone to like me and i just burn out bending over backwards to make that happen.. having people be mad at me is my worst fear. .t.. i can’ stand it.. there is this crazy fear i have of being rejected by anyone – even people i don’t really care about. it’s always better to leave them first, cut all ties and disappear.. they can’t hurt me that way.. no one can..

maté sensitivity law

36

the men and women wander the streets and alleys w a threatening, violent want. takers looking to take, hustlers looking to hustle – all trying to satisfy a craving that is perpetually unsatisfiable.. and tonight i’m one of them..

52

(on lauren being annoyed for my not having come over).. but i don’t care.. isn’t that the greatest gift in the world – just not to care? i feel so grateful for it. that’s nothing i ever knew sober..

55

i always thought once i as an adult  independent, whatever these feeling of hopelessness and despair would go away. . i could be like those characters in the movies. drugs and alcohol gave me that feeling..

70

for all the therapy i had none of it ever really fixed that feeling of tornapartness inside me.. i learned how to express myself, that was all. and, for whatever reason, identifying the root cause of my problem – like fear of abandonment or something – didn’t change a goddamn thing. i could see quite clearly why i acted a certain way, but that wouldn’t make me any different. i sought out craziness. i was attracted to it. no therapy could take that away

107

(on not being able to stop using).. ‘they say the avg life expectancy of tweakers like us is around three years.. i’ve been going for at least twice that and i’m doin’ all right. i wouldn’t worry about it..’ – gack

‘trust me he says.. you only get to live this life once. i’d rather be blissed out for a short time than fucking bored and miserable till i’m like 90 or something’  – gack

108

i try to remember .. was i happy before all this? the fucking tweak won’t let me think. it tries to tell me i wasn’t . maybe that’s the truth..

part two

131

it’s like there are two diff people battling inside me. i want to be good, do good, be a worker among workers, a friend among friends. but there’s also this part of me that is so dissatisfied w everything. if ‘m not-living on the verge of death, i feel like i’m not really living..

132

i’ve always felt sort of worthless if i didn’t have a girlfriend..

if i wasn’t dating someone i was searching for someone to date.. it made me feel more complete. by myself i felt like i was nothing.. i guess i still feel that way. right now i have nobody. and ironically, sometimes 12 step meetings just make me feel worse.. they remind m what a lost i am

the days i don’t work are even harder. all this free time makes me go crazy

it’s not really free time.. it’s on hold time (ie: because 1\ no one is listening to and facilitating your daily curiosities  2\ no one is free to be with you

i have all this anxious energy in me that i just can’t release.. bike ride.. in shower after.. i felt a rare clarity in my head.. it was like my thoughts had finally turned off; i was literally too tired to think.

134

(back in mom’s house looking at pics on wall) i ask myself what the hell is wrong w me.. i have so much and i always want throw it away.. why am i this way? john lennon says that ‘living is easy w eyes closed’.. i want to close my eyes. i want to close my eyes so badly..

i almost felt like crying a minute ago, but no things seem all right again. i have some purpose suddenly – get money, get high

a piece of me thinks about calling spencer.. in 12 step they tell you to pick up the phone if you feel like using. but what’ll spencer tell me? he’ll probably say i should ask god for help. i’m just so sick of that crap

136

it’s just no use.. i know i’m gonna fail.

spencer: ‘bs.. that’s your disease talking.. your disease wants to isolate you.. to get you all alone so it can kill  you.. that’s what it wants, but that’s not what you want’

spencer i dont ‘have a disease. this is not like fucking cancer.. this is my choice

spencer: you’re right.. right now what you do is up to you. once you get high though, then you’ve got no more choices.. you get high and you lose everything..

i try to just feel him hugging me..

it’s crazy how fast my moods change..  i just wanted to die, but now i feel so grateful to be alive.. it feels almost like we’re a family sitting here. i wish i never had to leave

137

these writing projects usually go nowhere, but it feels like i always have to be working on something

norton porducitivty law.. let go

writing gives me a purpose.. i remember when i was younger i read nausea by jean paul sartre..

sartre

the main character is this man struggling w his existence.. he can’t find any reason for living and he is sort of horrified by humanity.. finally he decides that the reason life is worth living is for art – to chronicle his struggle.. that gives him enough purpose to keep going every day.. i can really relate to that. of course. spencer would tell me that the only reason for living is helping other people .. that’s what give his life meaning. i really do want to badly to get to that point . it’s not like i enjoy being *so selfish and self absorbed

i think this is where we’re *failing people/ourselves.. it’s not about helping others or working for others or being productive.. what the world needs most if 7 bn people doing/being their art..  the energy of 7bn alive people.. eudaimoniative surplus

138

spencer has told me to always pray in the affirmative.. as though prayer has already been answered.. ‘thank you go for help me be kind and patient’ as opposed to ‘please help me be patient’ .. affirmative prayer reinforces that you have already received he guidance, therefore you are able to focus on the solution..  saying that i need help reinforces the problem – helping me wallow in it

my head sort of hurts physically from the battle going on in there

spencer: ‘it shouldn’t hurt nic. just let go… it’ll come naturally. it really does become effortless..’

139

(my dad).. intro’d me to writings (and protests – me and my drums around my neck – beating to anitwar chants) of everyone from.. to political essays on socialism and class wars. he instilled in me a sense of deep caring for people and their struggles

when i was a jr in highschool. my dad encouraged me to attend a vigil outside san quentin the night a prisoner was set to be executed. the prisoner was native american and men and women played ceremonial drums outside as they counted down the minutes to his death. we held candles and listened quietly. i cried so hard when they announced the inmate’s death. it was as though i could actually feel that his life had been extinguished from the earth. it was this viscera sorrow.. i shared that w my father and we cried together. it was incredibly painful, but also an absolutely beautiful experience..t

maté sensitivity law

(my father) always supported me and expressed genuine interest in the things i liked.. our life together was definitely not conventional (trips to paris..italy.. london.. rock shows when i wanted to go – michael jackson, nirvana, guns n roses, primus, hole, tom waits).. i’ve had therapists in past denounce how overexposed i was as a child. but honestly i wouldn’t trade it for anything. i am proud of the way my dad raised me and i love him for it

but then i started doing crystal meth and we just grew further and further apart. i’m not sure whether my father will ever forgive me for the direction my life has taken.. i’m not sure if he ever should. i am a disappointment. i have let him down so many times.. i guess that’s another reason i don’t want to call my dad. i’m scared of taking on the responsibility of having relationship w him. i never want to hurt him again by building up his hopes and then smashing them all to pieces.. i’ve done that so many times..t

shame

141

at first i want to tell them ..i can’t make it. i’m worried because i have to get up early to ride my bike before work. i get up at 6 every day to exercise and i feel really crazy and anxious if i miss it. it’s like i need to kill my body w exercise in order to be calm enough to function through out the rest of the day..t

yeah .. that..

hari present in society law

besides that excuse .. i also incredible anxiety socializing w people.. if i’m at work or high.. that’s ok.. but sober, going out w people my age, i am just really uncomfortable.. i’m not sure what it is that scares me.. maybe i just don’t know what to say and i’m constantly worried about what they think of me

that was me too.. now it’s more i know i’ll be exhausted afterward from whatever energy goes out.. but.. (from trying to explain myself.. or from trying to be interested in what seems like small talk.. from feeling sensitive to the anxious energy they have for same reasons)

145

sings john lennon’s beautiful boy (girl) to lucy.. his dad used to sing to him

148

it’s strange but not being able to exercise these last couple days, i feel really crazy in my head. it’s like my thoughts race so fast and i have this underlying anxiety and feeling of hopelessness.. it is very acute and i’m not sure what to do but go ride my bike or run ten miles of something. it’s this obsessive compulsive feeling that never goes away.. i just can’t control my spiraling thoughts..t

crazywise

151

spencer: ‘being sober isn’t just about not using. being sober is about the joy of life of clarity and living by spiritual principles can bring. there is nothing greater than that. forget drugs/needles/everything. we are living to experience the undiluted amazement of life on life’s terms.. ‘

155

what spencer stresses to me over and over is that we only have this one moment: now.

that is all there is .. and i have this, for now.. i just wish i could figure out how to keep my fucking mind from going all over the place – dwelling on all the loss and pain and everything i’ve done – then jumping off into the future to how impossible it all seems..  it’s thoughts like these that used to make me stick a needle in my arm..

156

it’s so hard for me not to exercise. i just have this feeling of total failure when i don’t do it..

12 step meeting.. none of them seem as crazy obsessive about everything .. like in highschool.. it seems so easy for everyone else and so difficult for me..they don’t have to struggle like i do – or maybe that’s just me comparing my goddamn insides to everyone else’s outside.. but swear to god i just seem to wrestle w everything more than anyone else..

158

but at this point, i just feel like things shouldn’t be so fucking hard. the depth of my isolation goes past anything i’ve heard my friends talk about.. i’m interested in another opinion.. so i accept my dad’s offer

161

still, children seem like empty vessels who pick up on everything and are so affected by their surroundings

maté not yet scrambled law

moment by moment she is developing her skills to cope w the situations life throws at her. if she is full of terror, she will grow up terrified. if she is made to feel safe and accepted, she will grow up trusting herself – confident and self assured

maté trauma law

164

spencer: ‘just remember the only thing that ever really gives us any genuine satisfaction is caring for other people. it doesn’t matter how popular we are or anything. the only thing that actually makes life more fulfilling is our love for others..  when i help you, i’m really helping myself.. saying yes to humanity and to the connection that exists among all people..

hari addiction law

i’ve been scared of course.. but yeah.. i haven’t really thought about myself at all.. i mean if i have time to take a shower that’s a luxury.. mostly i’m just trying to make sure you’re all right or lucy or michelle.. and i guess there is something very liberating about all that. things have been hectic but i feel very calm and, well, just purposeful inside..

spencer: ‘that is the crux of the whole 12 step program.. we are two people helping each other thru life.. the satisfaction of being there for someone else is unparalleled.

i’ve always been amazed at how selflessly he took me in and helped me want to live again. never once did i think that he might be doing it in order to help himself at the same time (earlier he did say – you keep me alive)

i realize that the times i have known some sort of inner peace in my life, those have always been times when i focused on helping others more than myself.. times i get to stop obsessing about myself and really feel a sense of liberation..

165

‘freedom from the bondage of self’.. that’s what they call it in 12 step.. i never really understood that before, but now i do..

(on ride home 3-4 people call to talk about their problems) thinking about all these people in my life – all people i’ve met in the program – well i’m just so grateful.. i breathe out, not wanting to be anywhere but exactly where i am..  i feel a sense of completeness and satisfaction just being in my own skin.. i am comfortable being me – at least for the moment..

167

after my relapse, he’s never really been the same to me. there is a way he keeps himself guarded around me now.. i guess it’s the same w most of the people in my life – they’re too afraid of getting hurt to let me in all the way. after relapsing i just find it impossible to be as close to my old friends as i used to be. mostly i just pretend i don’t notice it – but i always do

168

that really is one of the oddest things about la.. you go to 12 step and it’s like a who’s who list of the hollywood entertainment elite..  and then of course there’re my parents. as journalists, both my mom’s and dad’s lives have been consumed w celebrity..

169

even more than exercise.. writing is my outlet.. it helps keep me sane..

170

on relapses..  and 12 steps – once an addict always an addict.. .. it is a daunting task but i suppose that’s one of the reasons for the whole ‘one day at a time‘ philosophy..

spencer: ‘as long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster.. you have to be whole and complete in yourself. no one can give you that. you have to know who you are – what others say is irrelevant’

true.. because what we need most is the energy of 7bn alive people.. which is why self-talk as data is so important to global detox.. daily curiosity from inside each person.. everyday a new ie: cure ios city

173

on his little bro and sis.. they are really their age. i was never my age. i always wanted to be older.. i felt to inadequate being trapped in my small prepubescent body..  jasper and daisy seem very naive, but also comfortable w themselves..  i’m still not comfortable w my goddamn self. i don’t know if i’ll ever be

i haven’t surfed in maybe 6 or 7 yrs.. it used to be my obsession, but drugs took me away from it..

i feel adrenaline rushing in my bloodstream. my veins pulse w it. but at the same time, there is a feeling of sadness in my stomach.. my mind is going non stop.. why did i look at them (family on beach)? why was my first response to seek their approval?.. i wonder to myself.. what has changed? i’ve worked so hard on this 12 step thing i’m in, but still, i am the same. i am still just trying to fit in.. i feel like a visitor a guests.. it hurts me.. i want to be apart of their lives.. i want to be accepted as one of them

176

asking jasper – is it weird to see me after such a long time

jasper: ‘ at first.. i thought maybe you might be diff or something. but you’re the same old nic’

i let that sink in

maybe underneath it all i am not this awful person, but a caring loving little boy.. maybe that has never left me, even after everything.. so why do i want to blot that out? why do i want to kill off the person that i am? why do i always want to become this unfeeling monster, fueled by whatever chemicals i can find to put in my body?.. i guess i’m selfish.. my needs always come first – that need i have to escape or something

escapism

sitting here w jasper all i feel is regret for having taken myself away from these people who love me.. because i do care.. i do love them..

178

(running on beach playing tag w daisy and jasper) i can’t stop the tears from running down. i’m so grateful to have escaped that horrible depression i was falling into. i’m so grateful to be able to be here – present – not needing anything but this moment.. i’m crying from relief and thankfulness..

daisy – looking scared: ‘what’s wrong’

nothing.. i’m just happy to be here w you.. as i dart away i think about how what i just told her was only a half truth. there is also a feeling i have of intense well, regret. it’s like: how could i have spent my whole life battling so hard, not knowing what was wrong?  now i see a dr and we talk for 50 in and this huge piece of the puzzle what was missing for me is suddenly revealed. how could i have lived so long never being treated for such an obvious mental illness? it’s frustrating and sad. but spencer’s voice sounds in my head: now is now. that’s what he always tells me. there is nothing but now and i try to hold on to that. the past is gone, the future hasn’t happened yet. this, right there, is all there is..

so i play w jasper and daisy on the beach..

190

my dad – having done the playboy interview w john and yoko

202

the experience of being me right now is exhilarating..  i am finally somebody.. that may be shallow but it is the truth..

225

(after relapse).. i’m so ashamed around them that i have no choice but to yell angrily..  nothing can really excuse my relapsing..  if i stopped using or let spencer or my mom in, i would have to lose zelda.. i cannot even bear the thought of that.. so i lash out as everyone who tries to help me, just trying to scare them away so they can stop giving a damn about me and let me throw my life away in peace..

241

(detox in la) – i only ask to be left alone.. i have this feeling like i just wish i didn’t have to exist.. i wish it would all just go away… it’ snot as though i’d want to do anything proactive, like actually dying. no, i just want to disappear – to simply become part of the ethos or whatever.. i don’t know who i am and my body feels beyond repair. it is sunken down to nothing

246

they say suicide is a permanent solution to a temp problem.well, the problem of being human isn’t really so temporary and sometimes a permanent solution seems like the best possible way out

258

i’m afraid to hope again.

260

i felt important with her. hanging out w my celebrity friends i always felt important – cool – whatever.. but underneath that, i can see now, was deep seated feeling of worthlessness. surrounding myself w famous people helped me to hide that ever expanding chasm in me

261

i have this horrible memory/sensation .. it’s like i can’t control my breathing and i’m hyperventilating some.. i’m choking all at once like something is being shoved against the back of my throat.. i can’t breathe and i start crying.. georgia helps me get back, grounded, feeling my fee pressed against the floor.

i can’t stop crying. i feel very out of control.. i’m really feeling this stuff in my body and memories are jarred loose that i would’ve been content to have kept hidden.. according to georgia, the body traps memories of trauma w/in it. animals in the world will shake or something until trauma is released, but humans aren’t connected w how to do that.. we need guidance. .t

trauma
maté trauma law

262

the session’s only a half hour long but by the end i need to just take off running up the hill.. i feel genuine sadness over what i put myself thru. i mean, i can actually feel it, which is different for me.. it’s weird actually starting to own all that’s happened..

263

(on ray, the core group leader).. somehow he manages to make everything we’ve been thru seem less shameful..t.. he helps us love ourselves more thru his complete acceptance and openness

harm reduction

the focus here is really on loving yourself. that idea is something i never really understood before ray. he talks to us w such honesty about his own struggles hating himself.. not feeling like he was good enough.. .. maybe it was my self loathing and insecurities that made me act the way i did.. that’s sort of an amazing realization for me.. i never really though about the fact that i’d have to learn how to really care about myself in order to stay sober..  i always thought it was more about learning to care about other people..  like, i should stay sober for jasper and daisy, my dad, spencer, friends, girlfriends..  i never understood that i have to really want to live for myself and as myself – not as anyone else.. if i could be content w who i am.. i wouldn’t have to escape myself always..  that sounds simple.. but it seems impossible.. i don’t even really know how to begin..

starting to have hope in process here… a lot due to some of more intense alt therapies like somatic experiencing.. thru these session i’ve been able to recall events from my childhood that i had completely suppressed from my memory..

in 12 step they say that the only people who can’t stay sober are the ones who are constitutionally incapable of being honest w themselves.. .. i was (that).. now i have discovered some of these truths.. and have been helped to move thru them..my mind isn’t such a scary place anymore..

they talk a lot here about grieving process..  from death of loved one.. same phases apply to any trauma.. suppressing pain, ignoring it, blocking it out, or getting high so i don’t have to feel it – those coping methods just don’t work.. and i believe that.. my insides always felt like they were consuming themselves.. i felt fear for no reason panic in response to everyday situations, and of course that terrible, violent self loathing that controlled my life..t

cope\ing

264

at safe passage center i am taken back thru the trauma, re experiencing it so that i can finally grieve in a healthy way..

maybe this all sounds crazy. but as new age and touchy feely as it seems, i have really seen my life change. i am embracing who i am. i am not hiding anymore

thru breath work – i experience near death experiences where i haven’t been afraid.. and now i was.. it just all seems too real now whereas it never really did before..  and as difficult as it is to feel all this .. i believe it is my only chance to really heal.. to have a ‘safe passage’ which is the promise of this treatment center

266

(after phone call w zelda) i feel this profound emptiness at the other end of the line – and emptiness i used to feel w/in myself.. but that is lessening as each day passes..i realize suddenly very clearly that loving zelda is like loving a black hole.. i have a sense of independence now that i never had w zelda

kris: ‘whether she changes or not, you need to learn to be on your own – not to depend on others to complete you. until you have that you have nothing.. ‘

267

(after describing – shaking for several hrs.. legs jerking involuntarily .. faces coming out of wooden screens) there something amazing about being able to actually feel stuff now.. i’m not sure what it is exactly that they’ve done to me here, but as hard as it is, i am so grateful to actually be connected w what’s going on w me..  annie says it’s the first step: dropping in – feeling my feelings – owning my past.  i’m really just in it – acknowledging the pain and hurt i’ve caused to people who love me – to people i love..

(on telling ie: my parents – i’m sorry) there is so much i want to say to them, but words seem like they could never express my sorrow and regret enough.. even just saying i’m sorry feels so meaningless.. like i’m trying to put a band aid on a shotgun wound.. repairing any of the damage i’ve done to them seems impossible.. in fact, building my life back seems impossible..  i keep thinking just over and over about how i’ve managed to ruin everything once again.

even more than the therapists.. it’s the clients who really make the most diff for me.. the people here are just incredible and.. i don’t feel like such a freak after being around them.. everyone is just as fucked up as i am ..

269

in a way.. my days here have been some of the best in my whole life.. the bond among all of us is amazing.. when not in groups.. we’re hanging out at the ‘smoke pit’ talking shit and laughing like crazy.. these are people who i’ve really started to trust and when they tell me things about myself, i listen.. i respect them ..  so i wonder.. why can’t i listen to their advice about zelda? why am i so afraid to lose her?

i’m cheating this place and all the friends i’ve made and ray.. if i don’t start getting honest.. the only way i can feel confident around her is to get high.. w/o drugs, well, it’s hard enough to face my own life on a day to day basis.. i think being around zelda would be absolutely impossible for me..

i am w zelda because i think that if she accepts me i will finally feel good about myself..  i’m not good enough on my own.. i’m just nothing..

271

i am changing here – or maybe not changing, but reconnecting w who i really am.. someone who has been lost to me for a long time..t

almaas holes law

it’s like i can never get warm..i just keep smoking cigarettes

? why cigarettes are ok? – health/healing wise

272

then he hugs me tightly.. i smell him. it is that smell of my dad i’ve always held w me..

273

david/dad: ‘i don’t think you do know..i have a life i have to live.. a father a husband ..i have to work.. but when you are using, my life is completely consumed by my worry for you. i can’t function . so i’ve had to shut you out. i’ve had to close myself off to you so i can survive. it’s just not fair.’

i don’t say anything.. my parents don’t want me in the same city as them..

274

i actually can’t remember a single time in my life where i’ve been alone w just my two parents and we were sitting down together eating lunch or whatever..  i’ve heard both my mom and my dad say so many hurtful things about each other.. i always felt so divided between the two of them..  i always just wanted to make everyone happy, but then i completely tore everyone apart. how did my good intentions turn into such an explosive nightmare.. i am the only one to blame.. there is this pressure building and building around me and i feel like i’m being crushed from all sides..

275

dad: ton of anger .. ‘but i do love nic.. i love him so much. i’m just scared. i’m really scared..’ he cries and then i cry and i see mom is crying .. i hate watching them cry. it is just so defeating. it feels like all the life is just drained out of me..

i don’t know what i want from all this.. i have been hurt by my parents, but then i have hurt them back so badly..  i want to use this weekend to address some of the resentments i have toward both of them.. but also .. to show them how sorry i am.. i don’t think they will ever know just how much i regret what i’ve done to them.. i want them to know how hard this is for me too. living w myself is hell..t  it’s not like i’m just having a good time when i’m using and saying ‘fuck you’ to everyone.. it is all pain.. i mean .. maybe 4 yrs ago when i first started this was all fun

? i thought the first time you used.. was the first time you felt like it was ok to be yourself.. yeah that’s a good feeling.. but that’s coping.. that’s not having fun

but now it is just desperate and pathetic.. i have been completely out of control and it is the worst feeling in the world..  i  just need my parents to know that this has been very hard for me too..

mom: i am really angry at nic.. he’s hurt me and this whole thing has been terrible.. but i know that i have made a lot of mistakes and so has nic’s father.. i want for me and nic’s dad to both try and admit to some of the ways we’ve been unfair to nic over the years.. selfish.. putting him in the middle of things that had nothing to do w him.. and nic i want you to know that you can say anything to me.. don’t worry about protecting my feelings or your father’s or anybody’s.. when you were little you always tried to make everyone happy. then it was like one day you just exploded.. i don’t want you to hold all that stuff inside of you anymore.. t.. it hasn’t worked for you and it hasn’t worked for me..  i just want you healthy .. that’s all i want..

epilogue

my challenge is to be authentic..t

eudaimonia

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20 min interview/movie mix: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLV2UIP-kBo]

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addiction

hari addiction law

hari present in society law

maté trump law
maté basic needs law
maté not yet scrambled law
healing (roots of) – [here Gabor talks about A H Almass as person he may quote most ..maybe person i quote most is Gabor .. since my he’s basis/insight of a nother way]
human nature
when the body says no
scattered .. add
in the realm of hungry ghosts ..  addiction
maté acting out law
gabor on democracy now
gabor on capitalism
gabor on hate
trauma
maté trauma law
cope\ing
almaas holes law
maté sensitivity law
Russell Brand
Johann Hari – chasing the scream
Bruce Alexander – rat park
Travis Lupick  – fighting for space
bud osborn..liz evans..ann livingston ..dan small
escapism
shame

crazywise

 

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