shame defn


Why Shame Is So Prevalent in Classrooms – Super Soul Sunday

video gone because:

shame – i am bad


humiliation – i did something bad

i may be making a mess.. but i am not messy


the less you talk about it (shame) the more you’ve got it.. shame grows exponentially with 1. secrecy 2. silence 3. judgment

same cannot survive empathy.. it depends on me buying in on the belief that i’m alone..

i know you ness


Image above from Brene in her recent post on shame.

I don’t see any evidence of “good shame.” Not in my research and not in the research being done by other affect researchers. 

I define shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Along with many other shame researchers, I’ve come to the conclusion that shame is much more likely to be the source of dangerous, destructive, and hurtful behaviors than it is to be the solution.

The following from Brene Brown‘s TED – shown below.

Shame is the swampland of the soul.  – someone else’s quote

when people start talking about race without talking about privilege, and when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame.

shame is the gremlin that tells you you’re not good enough.

if we could quiet it down and walk in… we could see that the critic that is laughing is us.

shame drives two big tapes – not good enough – and who do you think you are

shame is – i am bad. – i’m sorry i am a mistake. focus on self.

guilt is – i did something bad. i’m sorry i made a mistake. focus on behavior.

shame – is highly correlated to addiction, aggression, bullying ….

people without shame – no capacity for empathy.

shame is an epidemic in our culture.

shame needs secrecy, silence and  to judgment to grow – exponentially.

the antidote to shame is empathy. the two most powerful words – me too.

The requirement that a child go to school for about 6 hours a day, 180 days a year, for about 10 years, whether or not he learns anything there, whether or not he already knows it or could learn it faster or better somewhere else, is such a gross violation of civil liberties that few adults would stand for it. But the child who resists is treated as a criminal.                   – John Holt


from Brené’s daring greatly:

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.

Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Researchers don’t find shame correlated with positive outcomes at all—there are no data to support that shame is a helpful compass for good behavior.

.. when I asked the research participants how they normally responded to shame before they started working on shame resilience, I heard many comments like these: “When I feel shame, I’m like a crazy person. I do stuff and say stuff I would normally never do or say.” “Sometimes I just wish I could make other people feel as bad as I do. I just want to lash out and scream at everyone.” “I get desperate when I feel shame. Like I have nowhere to turn—no one to talk to.”

Perfectionism is a form of shame.

The important thing to know about worthiness is that it doesn’t have prerequisites.

Shame loves prerequisites.


to this day project quote


shame a poverty of being 

eudaimonia less ness


via Jon Ronson, in so you’ve been publicly shamed..

on the forever ness of shame inciting us to be murderers.. of selves/others.

If our shameworthiness lies in the space between who we are and how we present ourselves to the world

again – eudaimonia matters – everyone getting a go everyday… matters.


via Deeyah

Deeyah Khan (@Deeyah_Khan) tweeted at 4:29 AM – 2 Mar 2017 :

The first reaction to shame is always to be silent, to avoid sharing. This is what ‘good women’ do. (


from carly bannister’s staying awake []

our feet get heavy from all our shame
and it keeps our minds on our own names