michel on parenting ness
michel bauwens on parenting ness
via tweet [https://x.com/mbauwens/status/2026543259947032995?s=20]:
[actually saw tweet earlier and ignored it so as not to rage/rant.. then here is michel .. oooof.. myth of tragedy and lord ness big time.. dang.. at least he added a reply]
< ” Structure is not cruelty. Structure is love made visible. ” >
oi.. structural violence.. spiritual violence.. with any form of m\a\p
“A bedtime says: your brain matters more than your entertainment. A screen limit says: your dopamine system is not fully developed and I will guard it until it is. A curfew says: your safety matters more than your social standing. That is not authoritarianism. That is caring. Boundaries create friction. Friction creates growth. *The parent absorbs the short term discomfort so the child does not pay the long term cost. *Children do not experience well calibrated limits as rejection. They experience them as stability. ***The human brain craves predictability. Predictability reduces anxiety. Reduced anxiety strengthens attachment. That is why relationship quality goes up. ****Notice something else in the data. The strongest effects are around time structure. Bedtime. Homework. Devices. Outside play. These are environmental constraints. They scaffold executive function. The winning formula is not tyranny. It is high warmth plus high structure.”
rather.. these all mean we’re conditioning/depriving kids already so much that they need these (all the things you listed) as cope\ing mechs.. again.. because khan filling the gaps law.. et al
ie: if a child (any of us) were legit free.. they’d sleep when they needed it.. they’d dance to the rhythm of graeber stop at enough law et al
*that’s what we tell ourselves.. but parents are the first ness et al
**we have no idea how they perceive things.. they’re no longer not yet scrambled.. because of missing pieces et al.. gabor on parent love ness et al
***oh my goodness.. this is so off base.. whalespeak infinitum
****ha.. gray research law et al.. all on whales in sea world.. black science of people/whales law et al..
above is a quote tweet for the original tweet i had seen/ignored earlier [https://x.com/operationdanish/status/2026438158989332842]
We now have evidence that gentle parenting doesn’t work.
oi.. whalespeak infinitum
Here’s an uncomfortable truth about parenting no one wants to say out loud: The data is not kind to gentle parenting.
rather.. the data is whatever.. kind/cruel.. but deeper.. it’s non legit
According to teenagers, strict curfews. strict bedtimes, screen limits, device drop off times, dedicated homework blocks, and sleepover restrictions IMPROVE higher relationship quality.
who have been highly intoxicated .. so they already speak fluent whalespeak..via khan filling the gaps law et al
And yes, parenting difficulty goes up.
Of course it does. Leadership is harder than appeasement.
we’re so messed up..
rather.. the thing we’ve not yet tried/seen: the unconditional part of left to own devices ness
[‘in an undisturbed ecosystem ..the individual left to its own devices.. serves the whole’ –dana meadows]
For the past decade we have been sold a watered down, Instagram friendly version of “gentle parenting” that often collapses into boundary avoidance, endless negotiation and emotional processing without enforcement. Parents terrified of saying no because they do not want to rupture connection.
because that’s not the root of problem.. just perpetuating survival triage.. need hari rat park law
But connection without authority is not connection. It is dependency.
oh my.. (this is why i didn’t add the page when i first saw the tweet.. to blatant.. so assured of rightness.. so assuming.. so wrong)
When parents impose structure, the relationship improves.
Teenagers report better parent child relationship quality in homes with curfews and rules. Younger kids report better relationships in homes with screen limits and bedtimes. Even device drop off times correlate positively.
Why?
Because structure is not cruelty. Structure is love made visible.
(note para from above tweet) A bedtime says: your brain matters more than your entertainment. A screen limit says: your dopamine system is not fully developed and I will guard it until it is. A curfew says: your safety matters more than your social standing. That is not authoritarianism. That is caring. Boundaries create friction. Friction creates growth. The parent absorbs the short term discomfort so the child does not pay the long term cost. Children do not experience well calibrated limits as rejection. They experience them as stability. The human brain craves predictability. Predictability reduces anxiety. Reduced anxiety strengthens attachment. That is why relationship quality goes up. Notice something else in the data. The strongest effects are around time structure. Bedtime. Homework. Devices. Outside play. These are environmental constraints. They scaffold executive function. The winning formula is not tyranny. It is high warmth plus high structure.
The modern failure mode is high warmth plus low structure. That is just abdication of responsibility wrapped in empathy.
rather.. what we need is the thing we’ve not yet tried/seen: the unconditional part of left to own devices ness
[‘in an undisturbed ecosystem ..the individual left to its own devices.. serves the whole’ –dana meadows]
Children need leadership, not negotiation. They need adults who can tolerate their anger. They need boundaries that do not move every time emotions spike. They need someone whose prefrontal cortex is fully myelinated.
oh boy.. again.. parents are the first ness
The harder path produces the stronger bond.
Because when a child feels that someone is strong enough to hold the line, they relax. And relaxed nervous systems build durable relationships.
then it has (of course) a beautifully illustrated chart proving all the above.. oi
michel’s reply [https://x.com/mbauwens/status/2026544860812161098?s=20]:
Just a note: I practiced both gentle parenting and some strict rules. As far as I can see, my children are doing well as adults. Hardworking, motivated, and highly communicative and relational with their parents and friends. I agree with this other comment that gentle and passive parenting should not be conflated, and that exaggeratedly authoritarian upbringings are also problematic. The role of a parent is to protect and guide your children, with the aim of making them autonomous. High gentleness and protective rules can go together.
not deep enough if we want legit free people..
not getting to the root of problem
legit freedom will only happen if it’s all of us.. and in order to be all of us.. has to be sans any form of measuring, accounting, people telling other people what to do
how we gather in a space is huge.. need to try spaces of permission where people have nothing to prove to facil curiosity over decision making.. because the finite set of choices of decision making is unmooring us.. keeping us from us..
ie: imagine if we listen to the itch-in-8b-souls 1st thing everyday & use that data to connect us (tech as it could be.. ai as augmenting interconnectedness)
the thing we’ve not yet tried/seen: the unconditional part of left to own devices ness
[‘in an undisturbed ecosystem ..the individual left to its own devices.. serves the whole’ –dana meadows]
there’s a legit use of tech (nonjudgmental exponential labeling) to facil the seeming chaos of a global detox leap/dance.. for (blank)’s sake..
ie: whatever for a year.. a legit sabbatical ish transition
otherwise we’ll keep perpetuating the same song.. the whac-a-mole-ing ness of sea world.. of not-us ness.. of part\ial ness.. [again].. for (blank)’s sake..
_____
_____
_____
____
_____
____
_____
_____
_____
be you. 