luke on trauma

what lies inside.. healing in the face of trauma by luke renner

@LukeARenner: You can now watch my documentary on psychological trauma for FREE on @Tubi or @Kanopy, in addition to other streaming platforms & physical mediums. Click through to see a list of options on LinkTree:

notes/quotes from 2 hr film (watching on tubi – didn’t even have to register.. do with kanopy):

2 min – luke: many of us.. often shaped with good intentions into something we were imagined to be.. free to an extent and yet bound in ways that hardly feel fair to criticize

5 min – when they married.. my folks were christian hippies

7 min – ch 1 – setting the stage


8 min – in haiti for mission work

9 min – diff between knowing about something because you experienced it and not.. with trauma.. you never see it coming

11 min – porta prince earthquake – 100-210 000 lives lost.. 2010

12 min – why was i in haiti.. could it be wanting to do something good had something deeper inside it.. on being stuck in approved family narratives and in safety of familiarity

13 min – when very little something happened to me when mind unable to process and parents at not fault of own unable to protect.. life turned into an improvised solving for symptoms w/o knowing there was a deeper problem causing them.. like a story that picks up in the middle.. i struggled w all the effects of the trauma while being completely blind to its existence.. not only was i lost inside.. i was in a world that would miraculously point to my pain and then mis-label it.. my religious upbringing reinforced that i was the problem.. telling me i was fundamentally sinful and in need of redemption.. how could anyone that young know that feelings of guilt and shame were the underpinnings of trauma .. not confirmations of sinfulness..

myth of normal et al

14 min – believing that i sucked as a human being.. while be legitimately traumatized from an event that was lost in time.. i had all i would need to be swept away in a custom tailored nightmare that was so air tight it would take an encounter w unthinkable horror at the age of 35.. in the aftermath of haiti’s earthquake.. to light a spark that could jump the gap between the survival dream i had constructed and the reality i had lost

ch 2 – healing begins


15 min – 3.5 yrs after quake.. back home in indiana.. promised wife i would seek healing.. decided to make this film to share things i found on the way

16 min – dan siegel: what is health

dan siegel

16 min – peter levine: first (health) is resilience.. to be able to rebound.. has a lot to do w meaning/purpose.. are we lucky enough to find something that really ignites our passion.. i think many have given up having/living a dream

peter levine

18 min – besser van der kolk: very basic housekeepings of the body – get up .. go to work.. eat.. sleep 6 ish hours..

oh my – some following him as well.. ? stable? what do others think?

myth of normal

21 min – on his twitter account going from 100 to 80 000 because he was such a source of info in the aftermath.. ‘i didn’t know what to do with that.. the explosion of attention coupled with my unhealthy dependence on approval of others added a level of complexity to the trauma i would soon experience’

24 min – peter levine: i’ve been working w trauma for 45 yrs and i still can’t give a succinct defn

dan siegel: can have all sorts of ways in which an experience is just too much

25 min – peter: all traumatizing.. but many so called ordinary events can also lead to traumatization

maggie kline: shut down.. but temporary.. get stuck.. that’s trauma

peter: could say trauma is when something intense happens but doesn’t un happen

27 min – kerry ann williams.. inability to stop; thinking about what happened.. you start to feel diff.. people around me haven’t experience what i’ve experienced.. feel isolated.. can’t connect w others.. when trauma over.. can’t relax.. so feel really anxious.. why can’t i relax.. it’s self protective response.. body system is hyper vigilant/arroused.. difficulty sleeping because body has a hard time dropping its guard

33 min – there is not one syrian who hasn’t lost someone.. nothing was the same

34 min – guy w rich mullins when he was killed

37 min – luke: i was missing the piece that made all the other pieces make sense.. at times i was jealous of those who remembered their trauma.. instead i had unexplainable/uncontrollable/unnatural urges.. didn’t feel like i was from same planet as everyone else.. named this phenom .. black hole narrative.. can’t see it but can see effect it’s had on my life.. somewhere lingering inside set my expectations for what was to come.. i’m still bound in many ways by missing info.. but no longer confused when i look back at my life.. the effects tell the tale..

40 min – ch 3 – how this happens

dan siegel: if define trauma as an experience that overwhelms the ability to cope.. next question.. what would overwhelm ability to cope.. so talk about mental models.. schema or generalization that we make from repeated experiences.. that allow us to (make assumptions – in am sun will come up) and if that changes… that would be a traumatic event

50 min – kerry: trauma is no respector of persons

51 min – ch 4 – trauma across time

52 min – interviewing civil war men

55 min – kerry: ptsd publicized a lot from military.. but a lot of people that go into military have already been traumatized.. but may not recognize

khan filling the gaps law

56 min – luke: on abuse from his mother

57 min – iraq survivor

1:00 – on childhood trauma

gabor on childhood trauma et al

1:02 – ch 5 – the importance of parenting

1:03 – dan: in us & other countries.. majority of children.. 50-66%.. have secure attachment.. 4 basic s’s of attachment are there 1\ seen.. seen not just behavior but inner life.. mindsight.. mind beneath behavior 2\ soothed.. connection w care giver calms 3\ safe.. protected from harm.. and parent is not source of me being terrified.. if 1,2 &3.. then develop 4th s.. 4\security.. feel i’m lovable.. can depend on and trust others.. great place to begin life.. that’s the purpose of attachment relationships

missing piece #2

1:05 – wouldn’t it be nice if we could stop pretending there is perfect

1:06 – on safety – coming from parents that are safe.. not that bad stuff doesn’t happen.. but doesn’t mean anything because they are still there for you and that is your world..

maggie klein: mother merged w fetus.. stress et al..

maté parenting law et al.. graeber parent/care law et al

1:08 – baby learns how to rest/relax in 1st 3 ish years.. fragile and vulnerable

1:11 – ch 6 – adverse childhood experiences

1:12 – what happens in childhood is the determinant for rest of life.. if i don’t make sense of what happened to me as a child.. chaos will come out when i’m a parent.. put onto child same burden of developmental trauma that happened to me

1:13 – ace study

oi – skimmed

1:21 – when something bad happens.. kids don’t tell.. they think it’s them

1:22 – ch 7 – what lies inside

1:23 – luke: was lying to you maggie.. i do have a first memory.. not a good one.. sexual.. long struggle.. didn’t realize what happened to me before that picture memory

1:24 – luke: when i started this project i thought this all originated w earthquake.. but early on .. parents didn’t know.. and no words.. i only remembered it thru sensations in my body.. i remember when i decided first line of film.. ‘this is not a story about my parents’ and i think today struggling with truth.. my whole life had issues i couldn’t make sense of .. constant fear.. mistrust.. sexual disfunction.. still hate men.. hypersensitive gag reflex.. harmed myself.. begged god to let aliens abduct me

1:27 – his mom: i have problems w you feeling we were too strict on you.. we were strict

1:28 – brother eli: i felt you were always in trouble.. and i felt like it was your fault.. if just did what you were told.. be quite.. behave.. sit still.. so always spanked

1:29 – dr: treatment doesn’t exist.. luke: in the books.. dr: in the of funding

rather.. because we keep band aiding ourselves.. need a means to address legit missing pieces

1:30 – mom: goes back to.. always having to set the example.. got that a lot in church.. one time somebody came to me and said.. i know you are very consistent in spanking .. but i don’t think you spank hard enough (luke known as trouble maker)

1:31 – dr: school filled w traumatized kids and we just label them – out of control – huge public health crisis.. no intervention for traumatized kids in america.. never understood why people have such a hard time staring the data in the face.. huge issue

oi.. school ness big part of the issue/data.. we’re staring it.. (if eyes/heart open).. huge issue.. supposed to’s of school/work et al.. killing us

1:36 – the finger points forever backwards.. my own kids growing up in my most toxic period of my life.. i can never take that back.. how do you point at something as a problem that needs to be solved.. w/o assigning blame at same time

1:37 – ch 8 – reclaiming your power

stopped crying after 1st few days in auschwitz.. crying takes up energy

1:41 – forgive worst enemy and anyone who has ever hurt you.. w/o their permission.. acknowledgement.. et al.. we all have our auschwitz moment.. give into dispair or rise above.. live or not.. everyone deserves to be free.. but i can’t fight your battle.. you have to fight it

yeah.. i don’t know.. think that’s messing with us because of missing pieces and imagine a turtle ness

1:44 – i think people tell selves.. has to be a purpose/reason (for trauma).. what i’ve learned.. there isn’t.. you can make a purpose and take control of it.. but ongoing

1: 46 – ch 10 – the way back

(2019) earthquake hits his town..

1:54 – luke: was easier for me to say.. how bad could it have been .. if you can’t remember it.. even though my body was screaming to me my whole life telling me something was wrong.. because i couldn’t point directly to the cause i was the only one left to blame.. i just assumed that i sucked as a person.. no wonder i hated myself my entire life.. i couldn’t love myself in my life.. so everyting i did was an attempt to make other people love me.. why i moved my fam to haiti.. it made me special.. that’s one of the insidious things about trauma.. some how can’t brush it off.. it bleeds into everything

1:56 – luke: what lies inside.. always finds it way into the world.. trauma isn’t a contest.. if it matters to you.. it matters.. healing isn’t in short supply.. no good reason to step aside and let the more traumatized be healed..

2:00 luke: despite fact trauma is always private.. healing is community