the reason i jump (film)
can you imagine how life would be if you couldn’t say what you wanted
kind of .. yeah.. rogers understand law et al..
mother: i tried to stop her from being herself..
to live my life as a human being.. nothing is more important than being about to express myself
higashida autism law et al
notes/quotes from film:
10 yrs ago.. higashadi’s book reveals a previously hidden world
2 min – when i was small i didn’t know i was a kid w special needs.. how did i find out? by everyone telling me i was diff than everyone else.. and that this was a problem.. true enough.. it was very hard for me to act like other people.. and even though i still can’t do a real conversation..
3 min – can you imagine how your life would be if you couldn’t say what you wanted..t
Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words. ~Carl Jung
4 min – every time i do something that other people wouldn’t it must make you wonder why.. but don’t judge me from the outside only.. spare a little time to listen to what i have to say.. and have a nice trip thru our world
5 min – mom (india): amrit picks up on things which people usually do not.. had a lot of anger in her but she couldn’t tell us about it.. she must have had some bullying events in school.. she wanted friends but others didn’t know how to be her friend.. she would scream/cry for hours.. i realized her art.. was her telling me about her day.. and that is how the journey began
7 min – how i perceive world.. i see details (of a thing) first.. they jump straight out.. then detail by detail whole image floats up into focus (you probably see whole thing first then details)
8 min – my eyes are captured by lines and surfaces..
9 min – david mithcell: the chaos of the world always has to be transcended to some order.. he wrote rij when he was 13.. it’s like cartography.. he makes a map of his mind.. ie: how he understands it’s raining.. card index to connect previous to what’s happening.. world is chaotic, whirling, invisible… very taxing.. melt downs could come out of nowhere.. that’s where my son’s living and it’s not easy
11 min – mom: she used to have these obsessions.. and i thought it was totally awkward and i would try to stop that.. but when i read naoki’s book i realized what she must be going thru.. so it’s difficult.. i’ve acted strange with my own child.. i don’t know how i fit into a mother’s role.. i’ve tried to stop her from being herself.. t
huge.. for all of us.. we have no idea.. we need a means to undo our hierarchical listening
13 min – every single thing has it’s own unique beauty.. when a color is vivid or a shape is eye catching.. then my heart kind of drowns in it.. i can’t concentrate on anything else..
14 min – a person looking at a mtn far away doesn’t notice the prettiness of the dandelion right in front of them
15 min – mom – on pleasant/painful experiences.. when she comes home she picks up a paper or two.. to kind of put it there for the world to know (artwork)
huge.. ie: language as control/enclosure – seeing her drawing and making noises of pain.. face contorted.. crying ish.. till smiling (her art is amazing)
who are we.. why do we do this..
17 min – joss: not being able to talk means not being able to share what you’re feeling/thinking.. to live my life as a human being.. nothing is more important than being able to express myself..
19 min – my mind is forever swaying.. this way and that.. i never ever feel at ease.. wherever i am.. as a child i used to wander from home.. it wasn’t because i wanted to go out for a special reason.. my body moved because it was lured outside by something there .. in search of somewhere where i felt at ease
21 min – joss (england): as soon as i try to speak w someone.. my words just vanish.. there’s a gap between what i’m thinking/saying.. like a reflex.. reacting to what i’ve just seen or some old memories.. as if i’m drowning in a flood of words
22 min – joss: the big exception is things i’m familiar with.. like playing a game of catch w a ball
joss’ mom: joss can see/hear everything.. when joss was little.. his sensory world was entirely a positive thing.. everything related back to water/light.. so we provided as much water/light as we could..
23 min – joss’ dad: one of things i’d like to be is inside his head.. just for 10 seconds.. to understand how he sees the world..
25 min – joss’ mom: green boxes have become a large part of our lives.. because we realized joss can hear them.. from a long long way away (earlier he said.. sounds like music.. and w dad debated if it’s a red/black hoover)
green box: Just like power poles, these domes, also known as a green electrical box or pillar, help provide electricity by connecting homes to the grid. You’ll usually find them on front verges or in parks where there is underground power.
(then image of young naoki running/wandering toward something.. ending up in field of power pulls and sounds like a drowning symphony getting louder and louder)
27 min – joss’ dad: on joss remembering things from when he was 2 like it was yesterday.. to great detail.. it’s like a slideshow
joss: time is a continuous thing w no clear boundaries.. which is why it’s so confusing.. inside my head no big diff between what i was told just now and long long time ago.. i imagine other people’s memories are arranged continuously like a line.. my memory is more like a pool of dots (?).. memories all scattish and never connected in the right order.. the trouble w scattered memories is that sometimes they replay themselves in my head as if they’ve only just taken place.. and the emotions i felt originally come rushing back to me like a sudden storm..
29 min – joss: exactly what the next moment has in store.. never stops being a big big worry
30 min – joss’ mom: his anxiety since puberty is huge – (shows him scribbling like made in pink)
joss: there are times i can’t act even though i really badly want to.. as if my whole body belongs to someone else.. as if i’m remote controlling a faulty robot.. (screaming ness)
31 min – joss: it’s a feeling of hopelessness which brings on a panic attack.. or a melt down.. even when i make a tiny mistake.. the fact of it starts rushing toward me like a tsunami.. to get away.. i would do anything.. and afterwards.. when i see the wreckage i’ve made.. i hate myself.. i just hate myself..
33 min – joss’ mom: on aggression getting worse and worse.. expelled from school.. had to take him to a residential school.. most painful decision we’ve ever had to make
oi to supposed to’s of school/work et al
34 min – joss: (jumping on diff tramps).. so .. what is the reason i jump.. i react physically to feelings of sad/happy ness.. so when something happens that effects me emotionally.. my body seizes up as if struck by lightening.. but when i’m jumping.. it’s as if i’m shaking loose the ropes that are tying me down.. as if my feelings are going upwards to the sky.. if only i could just flap my wings and fly off to some faraway place
36 min – d: autistic people who write like naoki does are in a kind of double bind.. some people are convinced that he could not have written the book.. or some believe they have written the book.. so then can’t be properly autistic.. only a little bit autistic..
ben and emma (virginia – hockey)
37 min – ben: ah.. don’t worry about him.. he’d rather be on his own.. how many times have i heard this.. the truth is.. i’d love to be w other people.. i can’t believe that anyone born as a human being really wants to be left on their own
maté basic needs – the essence of us.. of all of us
39 min – ben’s mom: on ben’s attention span at 8 being 2 min.. and trying to do speech therapy with him.. when he was 16.. he said.. no evie speech therapy is not my thing.. and evie tried one more thing
oi.. lit & num as colonialism et al
ben typing out words on an alphabet card..
oi.. we gotta let go
ben: (typing out) i never dreamed this was possible
40 min – evie (elizabeth vosseller): when i first saw kids spelling .. that was it for me.. made so much sense looking at it from a motor standpoint.. because speech is motor.. taking language out of the fine motor of speech and putting it in the gross motor of the arm.. made a lot of sense
41 min – ben: (typing) and it worked
evie: if non speakers are capable of spelling and intelligence.. that really shakes the foundation of a lot of things we’ve believed (about autism)
42 min – emma: (typing out a story) – perhaps your’e thinking that it’s no major effort for me to write these sentences.. but that isn’t true at all.. when i learned to use the letter board.. it let me anchor my words.. words that would flutter off as soon as i was able to speak them..
not sure who – but on ben: can you imagine the frustration .. being autistic and nonverbal.. you hear/see/feel everything and you can’t respond.. that explains the anger/violence.. you can’t negotiate.. to reach a point where he is able to express has just been a huge blessing
emma: please don’t assume that every word i speak is what i intend to say.. making sounds w your mouth isn’t the same thing as communication
again.. for all of us.. shaw communication law
43 min – emma (typing): we could finally let each other know how we felt
45 min – emma (typing): ben was my first friend.. he puts up w a lot from me.. i am very loud.. our friendship requires only some peace from the world
46 min – emma’s mom: our kids met in pre school.. weren’t many people you could invite into your home.. and we could invite them..
47 min – emma: you talk at an incredible speed.. between thinking something in your head and saying it.. takes you just a split second.. to me.. that’s like magic.. i have to speak in an unknown foreign language.. every minute of everyday..
ben’s mom: we put words in their mouths all the time.. just to kind of fill up the void.. ff 15 yrs.. friends for 15 yrs.. how do you nurture/sustain a friendship for 20 yrs w no spoken language
exactly.. we gotta let go .. and try non hierarchical listening
48 min – ben (typing): the meaning of our friendship can’t be defined by words
49 min – ben (typing): emma is my north star.. she is bad ass
emma’s mom leading them thru hw on argentina stats
50 min – emma’s mom: (emma wanting lunch).. yeah.. we’re going to do hw, talk our walk, then eat lunch.. do you guys remember who peron admired during the war.. et al.. they’ve never been able to do this before.. this was the first time they’ve ever had any access to curriculum
wtf.. who cares
emma’s mom: emma .. what was ed like before you had these classes to go to
emma (typing): they wasted time
ben (typing): they have denied our civil rights
emma’s mom: yeah i’m sorry
oh my.. informed populace/citizenry et al.. we have to let go of any form of democratic admin.. emma still just wants lunch.. and ben smiles when he hears emma’s mom saying ‘correct’ to emma.. we gotta go deeper.. or we’ll never dance the dance
52 min – i used to wonder why non speaking me had ever been born.. autistic people have no freedom.. we need a place to belong.. this world is our world.. there is no other
54 min – jestina’s father (sierra leone): jestina taught me how to be a father.. the type of love we have got from her.. just change your perspective of life
55 min – jestina’s mom: i wish i could get a gift i love this much (jestina cherishing a cheap? necklace).. you can get something so expensive and the one that you (jestina) like.. it’s all about the sensory..
autistic people obsess over certain feelings because we’d go crazy if we didn’t.. repetitive things are comforting.. they soothe me and protect me from uncertainty
56 min – jestina’s mom: anywhere in the world.. when you go have a child w autism.. there is still a lot of stigma.. as jes grew up i started to realize that she wasn’t looked at w love/empathy.. it was with hatred/negativity.. saying ie: the devil has possessed her
58 min – jestina’s mom: started to realize the stigma is so bad.. that a lot of families not coming out.. (started a group – people saying others are telling them to throw child in river to find peace et al)
1:00 – jestina’s mom: because of the way autism presents.. the screams.. the sudden jumps.. not matter what you do you’re the mother of the devil child
1:01 – i’m guessing that what touches you by nature are the beauty of flowers and things.. but for me.. however often i’m ignored and pushed away by other people.. nature always embraces me.. when i look at nature.. i receive a sort of permission to be alive in this world.. t
1:03 – jes’s dad: the mentality we have here is that we give to children and expect them to look after us.. so when they look at kids w autism.. to them.. those children cannot give back anything.. and thru pressure of community.. they abandon them.. leave them in the bush
jes’s mom: kids like ours.. if they’re alive they’re the lucky ones
d: for most of history we’ve assigned autism to demons/witches/retardation.. and acted accordingly.. which i don’t like to think about.. that would have been my son..
(speech recordings – on defected, eugenics, to hitler)
d: so it’s always been with us.. but us to not anything that is not neurotypical
1:05 – we are born outside the regime of civilization. with all the killings and planet wreckings that humanity has committed .. perhaps autism could help you remember what truly matters.. t
1:06 – jes’s dad: we cannot just close our eyes to what we have seen.. we need to do something about it.. we decided to take it to a diff level.. went to tv/radio station.. to get the nation to understand what autism is.. we walked the streets.. eventually in 2017 – we set up a school
oh my.. not a school.. let’s try something legit diff.. for all of us
jes’s mom: i started to see a diff in the family’s/kid’s lives.. after many months.. we have community on our side.. i think they were fearful.. now they know most of our kids by name.. that relationship.. now our kids are safe there.. the new govt has recognized the school.. and i think now the narrative is changing for sierra leone..
1:08 – i want to grow up learning a million things.. there must be countless other autistic people who have the same desire.. we too.. want to grow..
then we have to let go of the supposed to’s of school/work.. for all of us..
1:08 – (on school tour of lighthouse)
the hardest ordeal for me is the idea that i am causing grief for other people.. please.. keep battling alongside me..
1:10 – joss’ dad (in color tent): right now joss is having a joy that i will never come close to.. being w joss is to live more in the moment.. to let go of all the long train of things that we all carry around behind us and that interfere w us living now
i used to think it would be the best thing if i could live my life like other people.. but no.. even if somebody could change my autism.. i would choose to stay as i am.. for me.. you see.. autism is normal.. i can’t be sure what your normal is even like.. t
1:11 – joss’ dad: the future is an undiscovered country .. literally.. for us.. and our hope is that there will be a place/world/society/understanding for joss.. that will mean that when we’re not here that he will be ok.. and that’s .. this is why we don’t go to the future very often.. because the idea that joss is going to be alone is really frightening
yeah.. we all need this.. ie: a nother way
1:12 – ben’s mom: (trying to get ben to fold clothes).. what do you do to get it to look like that.. (gets frustrated).. come on ben..
oi.. trying to get him ready for new apt.. but who says folding clothes is that
1:14 – ben (typing): i get one shot in this life.. now i can make it count (then shows him checking out assisted living apts)
1:15 – (shows amrit giving art show)
ben (typing): i think we can change the conversation around autism by being part of the conversation..
1:17 – when i was little there was always a question that was a big big worry.. what am i going to become.. will i ever be able to live properly as a human being
i don’t pretend for a moment that all i’ve written applies to all autistic people.. but i wrote this book so you could come to understand me in the hope that my future will be connected w your future.. above all .. that’s what i want
thurman interconnectedness law: when you understand interconnectedness it makes you more afraid of hating than of dying
higashida autism law et al