wisdom of trauma – parenting

paraphrase from wisdom of trauma (day 7) (see 1:43 ff below for more) – in regard to wisdom of trauma (doc):

romie: a\ be aware of when i come in too much.. and b\ help her be aware of what her body is telling her

fritzi: it’s behavior.. not who we are.. who are we to judge anything ever.. any human being.. even myself.

rae: whenever i get tight (unsettled).. it’s a bloody memory.. i don’t need anything from my children.. i don’t want my children responsible for me in any way.. we don’t own our kids.. they are on their own path.

tessa: not taking it personal.. they don’t need to give me anything.. the little girl inside me that didn’t get it.. she’s looking for it.. so take a step out.. it’s (issues) not about them (children) it’s about us.. by us dealing w our trauma’s our kids get it..

fritz: if we’re going to heal we can’t be dictatorial about what is the right thing..that’s not going to work.. that’s just going to make her feel like crap.. who are we to dictate what needs to be done for the human.

_____________

more context and direct quotes from video:

1:43 – zaya: last question for everyone.. how do we not pass the trauma to our children.. and how do we make peace w trauma we’ve already passed..

graeber parent/care law.. maté parenting law.. et al

graeber care/free law

1:45 – romie: new mother (8 mos) .. identifying states and normalizing that.. create a general approach of identification.. allowing her to define what is around.. being intentional/aware of what is coming from me.. so.. a\ trying to be aware of me.. and when i come in too much.. and b\ help her be aware of what her body is telling her

1:47 – jutha: for me it’s accountability.. on father telling her why he did what he did.. so me going to my children and apologizing and explaining why i did what i did.. and with younger one.. being mindful in the moment

1:49 – fritzi – i have a 14 yr old.. he’s been thru all my legacy of traumatic behavior.. once i became aware there is trauma.. so reinforcing that what i keep doing is not ok.. but that it’s my/his behavior.. not who we are.. who are we to judge anything ever.. any human being.. even myself.. when chaos happens.. and it does w a child.. it triggers me.. i’m going to say sorry to my son till the day i die.. and i think he knows i think he’s amazing.. i say it everyday

1:51 – rae: what got cut out of the film.. gabor has his pain and i have mine.. i didn’t go thru holocaust.. but i believe my pain was equal.. i think we were attracted thru the pain and the light.. my children suffered w my insecurity with my husband.. i was trying so hard to keep everything ok that i neglected my kids.. had i been healthier.. had a stronger sense of self.. i would have left him when the kids were small.. because they needed me.. they were my children not my husband.. .. and we would have gotten back together anyway.. because we love each other so much.. but i have the guilt of not having stood up for my kids because i was too afraid.. leaving gabor was too unthinkable.. i was too codependent.. and now my kids know the story.. my own challenge.. whenever i get tight.. and feel victimized by one of my children.. ie: they’re not seeing me.. they’re hard on me.. it’s a bloody memory.. it’s the past.. because i don’t need anything from my children.. i don’t want my children responsible for me in any way.. they’re not.. we put that burden on our children when we’re not conscious.. ie: don’t make me feel like a bad mother.. so .. whenever i get in the way of a relationship and my upset blocks the love.. it’s time for me to take a break.. i say i just need time to regulate myself.. to back off a bit.. and then i’ll come back.. and i’ll apologize and clear the deck.. love is all there is.. we don’t own our kids.. they are on their own path.. i have to say.. i am so proud of my kids

1:57 – tessa: my story is different.. i came into my step children’s lives when they were 5 and 7.. so on adjusting thru a divorce.. not taking it personal.. et al.. finding that they don’t need to give me anything.. i’m the adult.. i was used to being kids’ fav.. i had to adjust to not counting on that.. on understanding that it’s the past.. the little girl inside me that didn’t get it.. she’s looking for it.. so take a step out.. it’s not about them (children) it’s about us.. so by us dealing w our trauma’s.. our kids get it.. ie: my parents weren’t doing this.. parenting is really making sure you are doing your own work.. ie: we don’t want children to not have anger.. but how to deal with it.. hold onto your kids ness.. realizing it’s not about them.. it’s always about me..

hold on to kids

_________

also huge from video.. esp to parenting:

fritiz: tessa you’re describing b&w thinking.. if we’re going to heal we can’t be dictatorial about what is the right thing.. maybe going off heroine and smoking marijuana is the right step.. this is how i used to treat my sister.. she’s addicted to alcohol and i was like.. if you stop doing alcohol then i will pay your rent.. well.. what the hell is that.. that’s not going to work.. that’s just going to make her feel like crap.. who are we to dictate what needs to be done for the human..t.. if the human wants to heal. that’s where the compassion comes in.. what is that journey.. we have to move away from that dualistic thinking

unconditional ness.. and non hierarchical listening ness..

ginormous

_________

__________

_________