wisdom of trauma (day 7)
Wisdom of Trauma – Trauma Talk Series – Day 7 – june 14: Q&A with the characters from the film and closing remarks with Rae Maté, Fritzi Horstman, Romie Nottage, Tessa Rose, Juthaporn Chaloeicheep, Gabor Maté, Zaya Benazzo & Maurizio Benazzo
Watch the Wisdom of Trauma Movie and the Trauma Talk Series at https://wisdomoftrauma.com
notes/quotes from 2 hour livestream:
10 min – gabor and v (eve ensler) – book: the apology
13 min – v: problem is you can’t understand trauma.. but i thought if i crawled into my dad’s brain.. i could understand it.. doesn’t make it better or right.. just understood
rogers understand law et al
15 min – v: do i have rape cancer.. enters body.. literally makes you ill
20 min – g: you talk about capitalism as a rape of culture
22 min – v: patriarchy has taught men that there is nothing if there is no taking.. that’s how c is rape.. taking/owning.. et al.. why would this be good in any one’s mind.. how could you be a human being when you have so much more than anyone around you.. rape is pillaging/violence/taking what isn’t yours
26 min – the revolution of the mother.. most women don’t have a mother.. and then what they have to do to be a mother.. then.. looking to mother nature.. learning from ie: trees.. et al.. that was the beginning of my transformation.. that i had been alienated from my mother.. because i had been alienated from my body (earth).. forced to leave our bodies/sexuality because of what’s been done to us.. foundational of patriarchy.. separating ness
30 min – g: working thru trauma you come back into your body
v: yeah.. intuition.. prophetic.. more loving.. well .. so much of illness comes from out separation.. need to help people who are traumatized come back into their body
32 min – g: on my discomfort of hearing ‘vagina’ ..what threatens me here
v: i think what was so scary to people 1\ vagina’s don’t exist – if something doesn’t exist.. you can do anything to it.. ie: wanting women to stay in their place.. to be contained/controlled.. et al.. 2\ it’s (film et al) a women owning her own vagina..
35 min – g: if you would have called it the pussy monologue it wouldn’t have bothered me.. it’s small .. containable..
v: women have been trained to apologize.. for our their sexuality.. we have the most astonishing bodies.. and patriarchy has managed to shut it down.. and never have us go near it..
38 min – g: back to patriarchy.. like a fish in water.. when not aware of what’s around you.. don’t see that’s it’s embedded in the culture
v: always true that those who have the privilege/power don’t see the privilege/power.. true for whiteness/patriarchy.. privilege for men is such a given.. ie: talk a walk alone at night.. those particulars limit us.. i don’t think men see how conditioned they are to dominate/take-up-space
40 min – g: on study where men’s stress more stressful to baby in womb than mother’s
interpretive labor et al
41 min – g: most illness happening to women.. because of all this..
v: why do so many men have heart attacks.. because their hearts are cut off.. suicides.. because they didn’t do it right..
43 min – g: let’s talk systemically.. because you are the most politically activist here.. what are you wanting to convey
v: working on collection of writings now called.. reckoning.. how covid was this day of judgment.. this extended day of reckoning.. what i’m thinking about is what are we going to do now..
44 min – all i’m really interested in is how do we dismantle the domination.. we begin w the earth.. but that what is the connection to racism/imperialims/ et al.. why do we see migrants as enemies..
what we need is a means to undo our hierarchical listening
46 min – g: we create this horrors.. in other countries and then say .. don’t come here
v: most people are fleeing the wars we created.. like the fleeing women trying to leave the battered husband.. and taking children away from the battered mother who didn’t leave.. if we don’t start consciously working on capitalism/patriarchy/racism.. ness.. and all the attending violences and isms they create.. how are we to do that ?
48 min – g: you and i must believe there is a way to change.. or we wouldn’t be doing this work
v: becket – on looking at reality and forging thru nonetheless.. i had the privilege to live amongst some revolutionary women.. i see what is possible.. ie: city of joy in congo .. et al.. i believe in miracles/transformation.. i believe everyday.. we plant seeds and then one day.. those moments happen ie: people in streets for george floyd.. it’s growing in all of us..
zaya and maurizio: you were quoting the movie.. all together we can do this
v: of course we can.. just depends on how much you’re willing to give.. the new world is waiting.. how can we get our selves together.. love is the only thing that matters..
g: somebody should write a song called.. all you need is love
rae, tessa, romie, fritzi, juthaporn
convo starts at 1:09 –
z: what have you learned from trauma in your life
1:10 – rae: i’m quite nervous.. the camera is not my friend the way it is to gabor.. so i’d love you to come back to me.. i do much better when i don’t think .. but i can’t feel it at the moment.. i had the experience as a young child of being adored by my parents.. first 3 yrs.. but also a lot of confusing messages.. ie: too much attention.. i felt too powerful of how i effected them.. i took on too much responsibility for keeping them happy.. i’ve always been able to hold opposites at same time.. love/pain.. like when i saw gabor.. i saw the dark/light.. i see everyone that way.. i believe there is room for both.. we just have to not be afraid of truth.. i’m just rambling.. this is what i do.. the truth is our friend.. wonderful.. and we avoid it.. if trauma is in the way.. there is no way out but thru.. so .. it’s a gift
1:13 – rae: i’ve always been introspective.. so when i look in mirror.. i think i’m going to paint what i see.. i don’t set out to paint a depressed/sad portrait.. many of them are.. it’s just trying to be present to what i see.. it’s journaling.. then i can look at it and think back.. i’m sad/tense.. i love looking at faces.. and seeing into myself is a big part of my healing
1:15 – tessa: knowing that big t traumas aren’t the only traumas.. ie: there was trauma before those things that i wasn’t really aware of ie: it was the newborn and the birth et al.. when i first met gabor he said: what are you running from.. knowing that truth has really liberated me.. i don’t say.. what’s wrong w you.. but what triggers me.. understanding that we can’t change others.. but we can work on our responding ness.. there is not one way in path to recovery.. ie: we were kicking people out because they were still using substance.. guy went from heroin to cannibas and was doing so much better and we kicked him out.. so many people let go because they were using the treatment they needed.. trauma is an accumulation of little things..
1:21 – romie: film nuanced what trauma can be.. like tessa said.. when i feel a trigger.. isee thru me finding my own authenticity.. i find more meaningful relationships
romie: i have everyone read.. in realm of hungry ghosts
zaya: seeing both romie (san fran – tender loin) and tessa.. momma’s on the streets that people trust
maurizio: you see this in the film
zaya: our work w romie allowed us to meet jutha
1:27 – jutha: thank you to romie my mentor.. she empowered me.. i’ve never had friends who were women.. when i saw her.. i said.. i want something you had.. self confidence, humanity to people, .. so i did everything i could to bring her closer to me.. to me.. at 44.. i was an addict and not a person w ptsd.. i never looked at myself as someone who had a traumatic experience.. the movie really convinced me why i have always had the disconnect.. that’s why i felt drugs were beneficial to me.. they gave me a separation where i could see the two.. the happiness and the other part.. not a holding it back.. or an escape.. but a clear separation.. i asked myself.. at what age did i feel like i was not loved.. age was before 1.. i can remember 1-5.. 5-9 blurry.. in boarding school.. reason i’ve been able to become successful.. because i didn’t know i had ptsd.. now exploratory et al.. rather than excuses.. cultural reasons et al.. i have to move from one addiction to the other just to feel something .. inhalation.. on how we can solve trauma.. for me.. having alzheimer/amnesia would be the best way.. also maybe an inhaler
ha.. so cool..
what we need is a global re\set
1:36 – jutha: i made a list of 7 things i didn’t believe i could do.. 1\ clean/sober 2\ be a mother 3\ housed 4\ reunite w mother 5\ reunification w children 6\ sky diving 7\ get ba.. and i’ve done all of those.. after 20 yrs drug addict, 15 yrs on street
1:38 – fritzi: jutha you’re an ie of what’s possible when we become trauma investigators.. i go down these alleys of investigations.. trauma is a journe.. peeling layers of the self..
fritiz: tessa you’re describing b&w thinking.. if we’re going to heal we can’t be dictatorial about what is the right thing.. maybe going off heroine and smoking marijuana is the right step.. this is how i used to treat my sister.. she’s addicted to alcohol and i was like.. if you stop doing alcohol then i will pay your rent.. well.. what the hell is that.. that’s not going to work.. that’s just going to make her feel like crap.. who are we to dictate what needs to be done for the human..t.. if the human wants to heal. that’s where the compassion comes in.. what is that journey.. we have to move away from that dualistic thinking
1:39 – fritzi: and then w romie.. looking at staff.. i’m in prison and looking at correctional staff.. who are in this b&w thinking.. when i was growing up.. dualistic .. if bad punished.. if good.. reward.. but i also think.. it’s the gift of trauma.. for me.. ie: learning i wasn’t my behavior.. what i’ve told myself.. and what society tells us.. is not true.. all the things i did to keep my body safe.. which was workaholism.. drinking.. wine/coffee.. sleeping around.. drugs.. it’s a betrayal of the self.. but it’s the body doing it.. a weird dance.. betraying self but it’s your body telling you to this.. so it’s really about getting in a relationship with your body.. which you cut off when you’re so numb.. so .. it’s also forgiveness.. we’re magnificent and we hide behind our trauma/behaviors.. i think we’re doing this.. to say to people.. what’s up.. we’re traumatized.. you know what starbucks is? it’s a trauma center.. people saying.. i’ve got to get wired so i can keep going .. so i don’t have to feel
1:43 – zaya: last question for everyone.. how do we not pass the trauma to our children.. and how do we make peace w trauma we’ve already passed..
1:45 – romie: new mother (8 mos) .. identifying states and normalizing that.. create a general approach of identification.. allowing her to define what is around.. being intentional/aware of what is coming from me.. so.. a\ trying to be aware of me.. and when i come in too much.. and b\ help her be aware of what her body is telling her
1:47 – jutha: for me it’s accountability.. on father telling her why he did what he did.. so me going to my children and apologizing and explaining why i did what i did.. and with younger one.. being mindful in the moment
1:49 – fritzi – i have a 14 yr old.. he’s been thru all my legacy of traumatic behavior.. once i became aware there is trauma.. so reinforcing that what i keep doing is not ok.. but that it’s my/his behavior.. not who we are.. who are we to judge anything ever.. any human being.. even myself.. when chaos happens.. and it does w a child.. it triggers me.. i’m going to say sorry to my son till the day i die.. and i think he knows i think he’s amazing.. i say it everyday
1:51 – rae: what got cut out of the film.. gabor has his pain and i have mine.. i didn’t go thru holocaust.. but i believe my pain was equal.. i think we were attracted thru the pain and the light.. my children suffered w my insecurity with my husband.. i was trying so hard to keep everything ok that i neglected my kids.. had i been healthier.. had a stronger sense of self.. i would have left him when the kids were small.. because they needed me.. they were my children not my husband.. .. and we would have gotten back together anyway.. because we love each other so much.. but i have the guilt of not having stood up for my kids because i was too afraid.. leaving gabor was too unthinkable.. i was too codependent.. and now my kids know the story.. my own challenge.. whenever i get tight.. and feel victimized by one of my children.. ie: they’re not seeing me.. they’re hard on me.. it’s a bloody memory.. it’s the past.. because i don’t need anything from my children.. i don’t want my children responsible for me in any way.. they’re not.. we put that burden on our children when we’re not conscious.. ie: don’t make me feel like a bad mother.. so .. whenever i get in the way of a relationship and my upset blocks the love.. it’s time for me to take a break.. i say i just need time to regulate myself.. to back off a bit.. and then i’ll come back.. and i’ll apologize and clear the deck.. love is all there is.. we don’t own our kids.. they are on their own path.. i have to say.. i am so proud of my kids
zaya: i hope we can find a way to share this interview with you.. it almost felt like a parallel movie
rae: that’s what makes my kids so great.. they love the truth.. we’re adverse to what makes us uncomfortable.. we want to push it away.. but there’s wisdom in it.. on the other side.. is widsom
zaya: from your daughter hannah: trauma care is the new social just revolution
1:57 – tessa: my story is different.. i came into my step children’s lives when they were 5 and 7.. so on adjusting thru a divorce.. not taking it personal.. et al.. finding that they don’t need to give me anything.. i’m the adult.. i was used to being kids’ fav.. i had to adjust to not counting on that.. on understanding that it’s the past.. the little girl inside me that didn’t get it.. she’s looking for it.. so take a step out.. it’s not about them (children) it’s about us.. so by us dealing w our trauma’s.. our kids get it.. ie: my parents weren’t doing this.. parenting is really making sure you are doing your own work.. ie: we don’t want children to not have anger.. but how to deal with it.. hold onto your kids ness.. realizing it’s not about them.. it’s always about me..
2:02 – end of this talk
2:03 – gabor: i have nothing left to say.. but we also haven’t said so much.. skimmed the surface.. i realized i have a trauma relationship to this movie.. ie: i have so much to say.. world needs to hear.. infant needing all the attention.. on the other hand i say.. who’s going to pay attention to me.. the infant not getting attention says that.. it really took you guys to show me i have some facility of articulating.. it’s all about love.. the among of love this film has attracted.. the feedback we get.. shows us what’s possible w this world.. i leave this week w a deeper sense of possibility.. now what am i going to do w my life.. now that this is over..
2:07 – maurizio: this is not the end.. just the beginning.. we just found out half million people working with us.. we are making a new plan for the movie.. a new way to come together.. a way to be active in the world.. not just being friends on fb.. change everything that doesn’t work on this planet.. please stick with us on a way to create/distribute this energy.. it cannot end like this.. all this love has to ripple all the way.. the film will be everywhere..
ie: imagine if we
2:10 – gabor: actually not lacking for things to do.. writing/finishing .. the myth of normal.. published next april.. writing it w son daniel
2:11 – zaya: we’ll have another rendition of this in september.. part 2.. the return of unkel gabor