gabor on gap between private and public
Doctor Gabor Mate: The Shocking Link Between Kindness & Illness! – 2023 – 2 hr video – [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7zWT3l3DV0]
gabor maté with @StevenBartlett
notes/quotes:
5 min – on noticing body states but not id-ing with them.. observing all this stuff and not id-ing with it.. not letting it take you over
7 min – quite capable of giving advice, dispensing wisdom, when i don’t follow it myself.. wife: enough of gap between how you are in public and private.. i don’t want to be that guy anymore.. that can speak the truth so articulately and not follow it myself..
8 min – the compulsion to try to get something from the outside to fill something within
9 min – very success of myth of normal swept me away.. got lost in it.. same with interview w prince harry.. too caught up in it to notice.. doesn’t matter what i know if i don’t pay rigorous attention to what is going on inside.. and if keeping looking to outside to give me meaning/validation.. i can lose myself
maté trump law et al
11 min – had a gut feeling all along to not do the interview.. ie: could only watch it if they bought harry’s book.. out of sheer opportunism i lost myself.. i agreed of something i didn’t like.. ie: putting it behind paywall..
12 min – #2 the sm that was so negative.. didn’t know how to talk about it.. i was really in a negative state of mind
13 min – horse in book greatest thing ‘asked for help’.. when i asked (for help) he asked me greatest fear. . i said.. not being seen.. still.. after all these years.. once he helped me realize that.. ahhh.. i don’t care if people upset with me.. let people think/say what they say
olivier-wrong-about-you et al
15 min – how could privileged by traumatized.. whole misunderstanding of trauma.. as sensitive infant born into loveless marriage.. father having affair even before born.. mother troubled very sensitive/creative/warm-hearted.. but very unbalanced young women
16 min – even animals hold/touch kids.. babies that get right kind of grooming .. diff brain.. just stroking back 10 min a day.. healthier brain
18 mi n- darcia narvaez: elephant born surrounded/touch by all other elephants
19 min – ‘when i was younger.. didn’t need help.. but now.. not so self assured’.. but didn’t believe he (lennon) needed help when younger because so traumatized.. we’re all born needing help.. to be seen..
20 min – don’t need terrible things to happen.. just need getting needs met is trauma
[on seeing self as helper]
22 min – like beautiful women.. hard time because never know why people like you.. same with successful people..
23 min – problem w many of us .. get disconnected from gut feeling early in life.. born connected to gut feelings.. something happens to make us disconnect
24 min – real gut feelings really happen in the gut.. a knowing in the heart.. gut feelings warn of danger.. the gut sends more connection to brain than brain to gut.. has more serotonin.. gut is here to tell us about what is dangerous.. when brain and heart and gut connected.. good.. but when disconnected..
25 min – i believed into my 40s that everybody else could be stressed but not me.. but that was because i had coping mechs.. working hard, using smarts, having status.. then when that broke down.. i realized i could be stressed..
27 min – women have 80% of auto immune disease in this society.. why.. those diseases happen to people that id w duty/responsibility.. suppress healthy anger.. very nice, peace makers.. beliee responsible for what others feel.. must never disappoint others.. people pleaser and care givers.. a patriarchal society.. so me in marriage .. expect wife to absorb my stresses.. if i’m unhappy.. who do i blame.. so she experiences someone hostile/blaming.. so she has to walk around on egg shells..
29 min – she was programmed that way.. her parents had a lot of problems.. she became peacemaker and caregiver.. we always marry somebody at same level of trauma resolution as we are.. so when met 2 traumatized people who played that out.. realized.. i don’t want to be that guy anymore
32 min – [conflict because i felt she should understand what i’m feeling and adapt to me.. i think i wore her down] and what you probably didn’t do is just go to her and say i’m feeling anxious.. unsettled.. have resentful feelings toward you.. instead of owning it we act it out
33 min – if women not strong enough to assert themselves they get sick.. that’s why women more likely to be taking anti depressants.. because they’re taking medication for both of them..t
interpretive labor et al..
34 min – repression of healthy anger disturbs immune system.. healthy anger is when somebody is intruding on space.. it’s in the moment.. when done its job it’s finished.. a boundary defense.. chronic rage is something diff
35 min – human emotional system has the role of allowing what is allow in what is nurturing/welcome and keep out what isn’t.. job of immune system is to keep out toxic and keep nurturing.. a floating brain.. so immune/emotional systems have same role.. they are one system.. not just connected.. but one.. so if repress healthy anger/emotions has physiological function
37 min – we have cancer cells in our body everyday.. because nature makes mistakes.. that’s not a problem.. immune system destroys foreigners.. when ignore emotions immune system can’t id foreigners..t we could do so much more for people if understood this
39 min – emotional repression is one of the impacts of childhood trauma.. child has needs (attachment and authenticity)
40 min – harry’s challenge all his life was he wasn’t allowed to be authentic.. but that’s so general.. who are we really.. vs what is expected of us
41 min – so we have these 2 needs.. authenticity and attachment.. ideally these 2 needs not in conflict.. can be ourselves in relationship..t
need means (nonjudgmental expo labeling) to undo hierarchical listening as global detox so we can org around legit needs
42 min – but if can’t be self.. taught diff ways to express or be punished.. have to be certain way for me to accept you..
when children given this message of conditionality that acceptable to me only if you behave in ways i approve of.. otherwise attachment threatened.. child has choice.. which is not a choice at all.. stay attached to parents (not show sadness/fear).. child will choose the attachment.. therefore give up connection to self.. the essence of trauma..t
need to try the unconditionality of whatever ness.. a sabbatical ish transition
48 min – kids say no long before they say yes.. it’s nature individuating the child.. when family’s punish that..
49 min – als patients are extraordinarily nice.. nice ness is repression of healthy anger and plays a role in onset of disease.. can be as nice as you want if also nice to self..
52 min – when people don’t know how to say no the body will say no in the form of healing.. remarkable healing when people learn to say no and stop being people pleasers.. just wish physicians knew this.. talk about how much stress they are taking on from others
53 min – people may change (from people pleasing) when they get sick.. that’s their 2nd nature not their 1st nature.. babies express needs.. suppression of that is our 2nd nature.. 1st nature never goes away.. we can retrieve it
54 min – where in your life are you not saying no when you want to say no.. exercise i teach in myth of normal
56 min – real friends will celebrate you being yourself.. friends using you will turn away.. this contest between attachment and authenticity can be a painful one.. but which pain would you rather have.. lose friends or lose self and all impacts on body
57 min – top regret (of 5) of dying.. not true to self 3rd .. didn’t express feelings
59 min – wealth based on traumatization of others..
1:00 – [can’t all afford therapists] unfortunately health care systems have very poor appreciation.. most phys/psych not trained in it.. so 1\ is to educate care givers 2\ prevent problem.. econ stress of parents.. look after families .. create society of social support
1:02 – brain develops before birth.. need safe environ.. let everyone understand social needs of kids..
need means (nonjudgmental expo labeling) to undo hierarchical listening as global detox so we can org around legit needs
1:03 – that’s social answer.. individual answers.. if can’t afford therapy.. go to library and read books.. or internet
1:05 – [is there a risk.. can you over traumatize life.. live w feeling that inherently broken].. but we’re never broken.. 1st nature inherently there.. recover.. find true self.. nobody is damaged goods.. nobody is broken
1:06 – nothing in life wasted if know how to use it properly.. if aware.. not as excuse to continue.. but allows you to drop it
1:12 – called harry stupid, fickle, naughty.. he was none of those things.. add.. a normal response to abnormal situation.. children undergo this character assassination
1:15 – if i fully see myself.. doesn’t matter if you see me or not.. only because still counting on others to see you.. if fully confident in self.. when you are seen.. (as child) not hard to do.. but if not seen.. have to learn it
1:21 – shallow breathing and chronic stress.. awareness of breath as portal
1:26 – when one person starts growing and other doesn’t
1:36 – real intentions.. have to look at your life.. not what you say about it
1:38 – how would that be as a goal.. inner peace.. not a selfish goal..
oikos (the economy our souls crave).. ‘i should say: the house shelters day-dreaming, the house protects the dreamer, the house allows one to dream in peace.’ – gaston bachelard, the poetics of space
1:39 – goals you state are largely external.. what are internal goals..
[i think we think external goals lead to inner peace]
1:40: vince feliti: ‘hard to get enough of something that almost works’.. temp inner peace has long term consequences
graeber stop at enough law et al
1:41 min – not that we should impose suffering.. but when it comes 1\ get rid of it..numb selves 2\ learn from it.. suffering/pain can be good teachers.. crisis = danger and opportunity
1:42 – growing older is getting more authentic to self
1:43 – vulnerability – latin – to wound – all profoundly vulnerable.. when children are safe/seen they can accept vulnerability .. can deal w it.. if not.. too painful to bare.. so shut down sense of vulnerability.. so much of this culture is designed to distract ourselves from out vulnerability
1:46 – to person love most: don’t have to say anything at all.. she knows.. i’d say thank you.. to all the world: all you need is love.. might even say thank you to the world.. i f not giving advice.. which is all you need is love.. i’d just say thank you
1:48 – want to be known for.. tried hardest and made diff..
best review from myth of normal ‘thank you i read that book and i remembered myself’.. can see capacity for wholeness.. root of word health.. people see selves as fundamentally whole w some stuff to work thru
1:50 – greatest teachers are children if willing to learn
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be you. 
