pleasers
adding page while reading gabor maté‘s myth of normal:
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they were id’d ‘pleasers’: while anxious about their disease progression, their worries were focused in a special outward direction..
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time after time is was the ‘nice’ people, the ones who compulsively put other’s expectations and needs ahead of their own and who repressed their so called negative emotions .. who showed up w chronic illness.. had higher likelihood of cancer and poorer prognoses
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my own list of the personality features most often present in people w chronic illness.. in no particular order: automatic and compulsive concern for emotional needs of others, while ignoring one’s own; rigid id w social role, duty and responsibility; overdriven, hyper responsibility based on conviction that one must justify one’s existence b doing/giving; repression of healthy, self protective aggression and anger; harboring and compulsively acting out two beliefs: ‘i am responsible for how other people feel’ and ‘i must never disappoint anyone‘
at the root they are coping patterns
why these features so often overlooked.. goes to heart of our them: they are among the most normalized ways of being in this culture
they are the most normalized ways of being in this culture
vs crazywise (doc) et al
brown belonging law: the opposite of belonging.. is fitting in.. true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are.. it requires you to be who you are.. and that’s vulnerable.. –Brené Brown
and earlier in book:
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all her life she had fit the profile of the nice person who avoids confrontation. ‘my way was always being the caretaker, being needed, always coming to somebody’s rescue, a lot of the time to my own detriment.. i never wanted to have conflict w anyone.. and i always had to be in charge, making sure everything was ok‘.. caroline had exhibited what has been called ‘superautonomous self sufficiency’.. which means .. an exaggerated and outside aversion to asking anything of anyone.. a quick note: nobody is born w such traits.. they invariably stem from coping reactions to developmental trauma, beginning w self abnegation in early childhood.. (more in ch 7)
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body and mind while not identical cannot be understood separately.. 1982 german study.. 56 women admitted to hospital for biopsy eval’d.. women w cancerous breast lumps characteristically exhibited ‘extreme suppression of anger and of other feelings’.. 2000 publication of cancer nursing.. cancer nurses themselves ‘somehow, nurses had an intuitive understand that this ‘niceness’ was deleterious (causing harm/damage).. another similar report on als.. predict w accuracy ‘if nice.. have it.. if not nice enough.. don’t have it’.. same w men and prostrate cancer and anger suppression
evans polite\ness law et al
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2\ second mystery is .. skewed gender distribution.. 70-80% are women.. and (imbalance) increasing .. t .. in 1930s balance was about equal.. trend reflected internationally.. t
perhaps maté wise suffer law ness.. (p 52)
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(on not hearing ‘enough’ – as trauma cope) ‘i was really not myself.. i was always having to operate as a more highly functioning person than i really was‘.. t
wilde not-us law.. because maté trump law et al..
need most/first: means to undo our hierarchical listening to self/others/nature
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many patients ‘usually tried very hard to please .. t.. both in professional and personal contact, and either concealed hostility or express it indirectly.. many of them were perfectionist..
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lissa rankin in anatomy of a calling ‘drs become masters at stuffing their emotions.. that was part of my wounding: i wasn’t allowed to ask for help, to be ‘needy’, to compl
dr v – and her surgery ness
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her (rankin) key insight was to recognize her entire life as the ground for her several illnesses.. physical and mental; not separate entities.. ‘i had been a stereotypical good girl, overachiever, top of my class, always pushing to develop my talent and intellect, not to satisfy me but to be accepted by others’.. that relentless pressure manifested in her med conditions.. she had to let it go..
huge
wound: can’t hear ‘enough’.. maté enough law.. and maté trump law
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7 – a traumatic tension: attachment vs authenticity
jános (hans) selye in the stress of life: ‘most of our tensions and frustrations stem from compulsive needs to act the role of someone we are not’
huge huge huge chapter/key to global re\set..
to a nother way for 8bn people to live.. by org ing around legit needs (ie: maté 2 basic needs – attachment and authenticity)
then back to top .. p 99.. id’d as pleasers
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smiles ness.. evans polite\ness law.. wilde not-us law.. maté trump law.. et al
but.. brown belonging law: the opposite of belonging.. is fitting in.. true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are.. it requires you to be who you are.. and that’s vulnerable.. –Brené Brown
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be you. 