childhood lie that’s ruining all our lives
Gabor Mate: The Childhood Lie That’s Ruining All Of Our Lives. (nov 2022) – on The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett @SteveBartlettSC
notes/quotes from 2 hour video:
6 min – infants take everything personally.. if mom sad.. it’s their fault ‘i’m so sorry i made your life so difficult’
10 min – when we try to get something from outside that can only be filled on inside.. so become addictive.. ie: keep trying to prove my worth.. never fills emptiness.. anger at people because can’t get rid of it (emptiness).. ie: want relationships to prove how worthy you are.. but the gap is inside me.. not her..
lewis anger law et al
13 min – and world keeps rewarding it – over work et al
14 min – that’s the whole point.. children think it’s all their fault..
16 min – of 30 yrs dr.. 20 w/family .. births.. palliative care.. and 10 w addicts in vancouver
18 min – palliative care taught me a lot how to listen to people..
19 min – people at end.. saying illness best thing that happened to them.. because made them realize what mattered and reconnected w/selves
22 min – selye: coined the word stress ‘what is in us must out.. we have to follow our urges in way nature prepared for us.. otherwise hemmed in by frustration’
23 min – art – takes what’s inside you and helps it come out.. it’s in all of us
art (by day/light) and sleep (by night/dark) as re\set.. to fittingness/undisturbed ecosystem
27 min – took 10 yrs to prepare book.. 3 yrs to write
28 min – tolle: ‘normal state of mind.. contains disfunction/madness’.. but in society.. normal is healthy/natural.. which is a myth.. actually hurtful to us.. using word normal in way it doesn’t apply in med sense.. not good for us.. if we understand science of unity of everything.. illness/health not individual attributes.. when circumstances are abnormal you expect people to be sick.. so this idea that people are abnormal.. no.. these are normal responses to an abnormal set of circumstances.. normal as myth
32 min – (if we grokked normal).. 1\ we’d realize our diagnoses don’t explain anything.. if we realized circumstances.. then understand nothing abnormal.. normal response to abnormal circumstance..
34 min – (on gabor calling disease model ‘so called’.. assuming it’s reality) .. illness is a model.. a construct.. but no measurement of health
37 min – (steven) we don’t understand that mind and immune system don’t have such a close relationship
39 min – treating everything w steroids.. stress hormone.. so maybe stress?
41 min – (on study w rats and stress being passed on) mother rats interacting w infants.. on grooming/licking infants.. some did it more caring.. those rats grew up to be calmer.. in brains of adult rats.. stress apparatus diff.. how parents react to own stress.. has everything to do w how we handle it later on
44 min – defn of trauma: not something that happens to you.. it means a wound.. so psych wound you sustain.. so behalves like a wound.. if touch it.. really hurts.. so if i believe not wanted.. and that’s revisited.. same pain triggered.. so trauma is an unhealed wound.. other thing.. wounds scar over.. and scar tissue is thick.. no feelings.. rigid not flexible.. doesn’t grow.. so isolated.. stiff.. stuck in whatever.. peter levine calls this ‘the tyranny of the past’
47 min – if understand trauma as only really terrible things that happen to people.. big T traumas.. % of pop by that.. much larger than we think.. ie: now includes spanking.. et al.. if you remember that trauma is not what happens to you but inside you.. it’s the wound.. small children can be wounded in loving families where needs not met.. emotional as important as physical needs.. small t trauma.. to be loved unconditionally.. held.. seen.. heard.. et al.. right to play spontaneously et al.. essential for brain development.. so in this society trauma is far more prevalent than we think
51 min – (steven) i thought if people told me their traumas i could predict their outcome.. but people took it differently.. that taught me there’s this thing in between which you call interpretation.. and that makes it really difficult to diagnose
53 min – can’t tell from outside.. some people who seem peaceful.. could have found it.. but also could be hiding anger
1:08 – how to go about it (awareness) first step is realizing what the it is .. and that it doesn’t have to be what is.. so just asking about awareness is huge first step.. then lists bunches of ways after that.. ie: all kinds of body work; all kinds of therapy; journaling; et al.. lots of ways once you open the door..
1:11 – addictions give you a temp feeling of worth or whatever.. don’t ask why addiction.. ask why the pain.. start with what’s right about it (addiction).. why it’s valid.. and it’s always valid..
1:14 – (steven) why is authenticity such an important way for us to heal
it’s much more important than a way for us to heal.. it’s an extension of who we are.. you’re asking why is it important for a creature to be true to its own nature.. because that’s what we’re meant to do.. we’re meant to be here as ourselves.. and when we’re not ourselves.. because have to disconnect to survive.. we lost connections w our essence.. t
huge huge huge – missing piece #1
1:15 – what does it feel like (when you drop the veil)..
1:17 – on giving up authenticity as not your choice.. it was survival.. now i have agency.. i can decide if going to be authentic or not.. most people find more beneficial to be authentic
1:19 – agency – i’m the one making the decisions
1:22 – 5 r’s: relable (not this but that), reattribute (where really coming from), refocus (put attention somewhere else just to give space.. it’s all about creating space between self and these beliefs), reevaluate or devalue (actually this all ie: made me tired)
1:26 – on being called – say i call and invite you to dinner.. then decision is yours
yeah.. to me.. that’s still driven/pulled ness.. again.. need curiosity over decision making et al
1:51 – what i’m still working on.. a sense of peace when i’m not doing anything.. it really means being ok with my mind the way it is.. i don’t do enough to take care of that quiet little voice.. can’t be alone with yourself
1:54 – (what’s your selfish dream).. at this point.. i don’t have too many.. what does selfish mean? for me at the expense of others.. i don’t think i have any of those left.. but self enhancing dreams..? this book selling million copies.. i do have dreams.. but they’re involve future generations.. i have enough.. i’ve done enough and have enough.. any dreams i have for a better world.. certainly have the function of making me feel better.. it would mean a lot to me that they don’t happen to other children.. to the extent it makes you feel selfish.. is it?