grief: deep sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain ..
i sat w my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief – cs lewis
maté addiction law – not why the addiction.. but why the pain
cope\ing et al
via becca fb share – also book – rage becomes her
agree w the smile stuff.. but need to go deeper than letting anger/rage ‘become her’
TIME (@TIME) tweeted at 5:30 AM – 7 Jul 2019 :
Want to stay healthy as you age? Let go of anger https://t.co/KKlcVVIZophttps://t.co/0lGaigXoMK (http://twitter.com/TIME/status/1147830151373381633?s=17)
via jon on fb – The Inuit have a simple way of teaching their children how to control anger
[link no longer works.. but couple years later via mark fuller tweet.. see below]
But what if we stopped trying to manage anger and instead tried stamping it out at the womb? Can we teach our children to never know anger in the first place?
Briggs, as she recollected in her landmark 1971 book “Never in Anger,” was struck by how calm and collected everyone was — and the jarring contrast that created against her own unruly emotions.
For the answer, Briggs looked to the children. The way they responded to difficult circumstances appeared to be something they learned from their parents. And that simple parenting technique?
Rather than flashing rage, she only illustrated the very real consequences of his actions: pain.
“Across the board, all the moms mention one golden rule: Don’t shout or yell at small children.”
Indeed, among the Inuit of this Arctic community, Doucleff found a people who practiced the theory that screaming at a child only teaches the child how to scream.
“And it’s a tough call for parents because it goes both ways: Problem behaviors from children create the desire to give harsh verbal discipline, but that discipline may push adolescents toward those same problem behaviors.”
“Traditional Inuit parenting is incredibly nurturing and tender,”
And what kind of children does that tender society produce?
The kind, it seems, who can live harmoniously in one of the world’s harshest climates — often with threadbare resources, where survival hinges on making the most efficient use of their natural world.
your own song ness
got the book (never in anger) – thanks library – good things in it for sure.. but big turn off in beginning.. talking about how they abused dogs..
all utku beat their dogs; they saw it as a necessary disciplinary measure’ we all do it; we know it makes the dogs behave; everybody knows it’.. they beat them w boots, rocks, frozen fish, hammers, tentpoles, or anything else that came to hand, and a s the dog was usually chained or harnessed, escape was impossible. they got a good deal more than pedagogical satisfaction out of the process, too; i saw gleaming eyes and smiles of delight as dogs cowered and whined w bruises and bloody heads..
they said that a man who never lost his temper could kill if he ever did become angry.. so people told not to cross him
a happy person, on the other hand, is a safe person..i wondered whether inuttiaq (her adopted father) felt an exceptionally strong need to show himself a happy person because he was not
may add more of good insight here later .. may not..
basically.. they tried not to scold children under age 3.. rather appease whatever.. so they felt loved
couple years later via mark fuller tweet.. same topic/research diff article/site: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/03/13/685533353/a-playful-way-to-teach-kids-to-control-their-anger
1\No scolding, no timeouts
Traditionally, the Inuit saw yelling at a small child as demeaning. It’s as if the adult is having a tantrum; it’s basically stooping to the level of the child, Briggs documented
“Shouting, ‘Think about what you just did. Go to your room!’ ” Jaw says. “I disagree with that. That’s not how we teach our children. Instead you are just teaching children to run away.”
And you are teaching them to be angry, says clinical psychologist and author Laura Markham. “When we yell at a child — or even threaten with something like ‘I’m starting to get angry,’ we’re training the child to yell,” says Markham. “We’re training them to yell when they get upset and that yelling solves problems.”
2\Playing soccer with your head
For example, how do you teach kids to stay away from the ocean, where they could easily drown? Instead of yelling, “Don’t go near the water!” Jaw says Inuit parents take a pre-emptive approach and tell kids a special story about what’s inside the water. “It’s the sea monster,” Jaw says, with a giant pouch on its back just for little kids.
“If a child walks too close to the water, the monster will put you in his pouch, drag you down to the ocean and adopt you out to another family,” Jaw says.
Inuit parents have an array of stories to help children learn respectful behavior, too. For example, to get kids to listen to their parents, there is a story about ear wax, says film producer Myna Ishulutak.
“My parents would check inside our ears, and if there was too much wax in there, it meant we were not listening,” she says.
And parents tell their kids: If you don’t ask before taking food, long fingers could reach out and grab you, Ishulutak says.
“Our parents told us that if we went out without a hat, the northern lights are going to take your head off and use it as a soccer ball,” Ishulutak says. “We used to be so scared!” she exclaims and then erupts in laughter.
At first, these stories seemed to me a bit too scary for little children. And my knee-jerk reaction was to dismiss them. But my opinion flipped 180 degrees after I watched my own daughter’s response to similar tales — and after I learned more about humanity’s intricate relationship with storytelling.
Stories with a dash of danger pull in kids like magnets, Weisberg says. And they turn a tension-ridden activity like disciplining into a playful interaction that’s — dare, I say it — fun.
“Don’t discount the playfulness of storytelling,” Weisberg says. “With stories, kids get to see stuff happen that doesn’t really happen in real life. Kids think that’s fun. Adults think it’s fun, too.”
3\ Why don’t you hit me?
When a child in the camp acted in anger — hit someone or had a tantrum — there was no punishment. Instead, the parents waited for the child to calm down and then, in a peaceful moment, did something that Shakespeare would understand all too well: They put on a drama. (As the Bard once wrote, “the play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king.”)
“The idea is to give the child experiences that will lead the child to develop rational thinking,” Briggs told the CBC in 2011.
In a nutshell, the parent would act out what happened when the child misbehaved, including the real-life consequences of that behavior.
The parent always had a playful, fun tone. And typically the performance starts with a question, tempting the child to misbehave.
For example, if the child is hitting others, the mom may start a drama by asking: “Why don’t you hit me?
Then the child has to think: “What should I do?” If the child takes the bait and hits the mom, she doesn’t scold or yell but instead acts out the consequences. “Ow, that hurts!” she might exclaim.
The mom continues to emphasize the consequences by asking a follow-up question. For example: “Don’t you like me?” or “Are you a baby?” She is getting across the idea that hitting hurts people’s feelings, and “big girls” wouldn’t hit. But, again, all questions are asked with a hint of playfulness.
anger is the deepest form of compassion, for another/world/self/life/body/family/ideals.. all vulnerable and all, possibility about to be hurt.. stripped of physical imprisonment and violent reaction, anger is the purest form of care.. the internal living flame of anger always illuminates what we belong to, what we with to protect and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.. what we usually call anger is only what is left of its essence when we are overwhelmed by its accompanying vulnerability, when it reaches the lost surface of ur mind or our body’s incapacity to hold it, or when ti touches the limit of our understanding..
what we name as anger is actually only the incoherent physical incapacity to sustain this deep form of care in our outer daily life; the unwillingness to be large enough and generous enough to hold what we love helplessly in our bodies/mind with the clarity and breadth of our whole being
what we have named as anger on the surface is the violent outer response to our own inner powerlessness, a powerlessness connected to such a profound sense of rawness and care that it can find no proper outer body or identity or voice, or way of life to hold it..
what we call anger is often simply the unwillingness to live the full measure of our fears or of our not knowing, in the face of our love for a wife, in the depth of our caring for a son, in our wanting the best, in the face of simply being alive and loving those w whom we live
our anger breaks to the surface most often thru our feeling there is something profoundly wrong with this powerlessness and vulnerability; anger too often finds its voice strangely, thru our incoherence and thru our inability to speak, but anger in its pure state is the measure of the way we are implicated in the world and made vulnerable thru love in all its specifics: a daughter, a house a family, ..
anger turns to violence and violent speech when the mind refuses to countenance the vulnerability of the body in its love for all these outer things – we are often abused or have been abused by those who love us but have no vehicle to carry its understanding, or who have no outer emblems of their inner care or even their own wanting to be wanted.. lacking any outer vehicle for the expression of this inner rawness they are simply overwhelmed by the elemental nature of love’s vulnerability. in their helplessness they turn their violence on the very people who are the outer representation of this inner lack of control
but anger truly felt at its center is the essential living flame of being fully alive and fully here; it si a quality to be followed to its source,.. to be prized/tended.. and an invitation to finding a way to bring that source fully into the world thru making the mind clearer and more generous, the heart more compassionate and the body larger and strong enough to hold it..
what we call anger on the surface only serves to define its true underlying quality by being a complete but absolute mirror – opposite of its true internal essence..