the brain is on self-conscious.. kind of a second camera in front or next to the camera.. judging every single frame right now.. i’m very much on an eagle eye right now.. contracted.. cold could be another word describing it..
nic – are you trying to over-analyze it
i’m putting distance between the experience and myself
nic – are youtrying to understand it or are you using trying to understand it as an excuse
i distract myself with understanding.. yeah
nic – yeah – so it could be good to be clever.
i won’t have to show up. ..i know that mechanism. i recognize it on others.. i’m swimming right in the middle of it right now.
nic – is it what most of the people you work with i say suffer from..
it’s a common trait.. this dissociation.. this way of putting distance between the individual and the thing to solve… huh..
nic – is there a thing to solve?
there’s a reason to get together. there’s a reason to… huh. is there a thing to solve. huh. good question nic. is there a thing to solve…? is there a result to reach..? not sure. not sure at all. because when we get together it’s there. it just needs to be uncovered.
nic – if you think about that.. if it’s something to be uncovered.. then by assumption there’s nothing to solve. it’s already there.
sure. it’s a matter of showing up. being there. recognizing it. being interested. finding it.. no.. it’s looking for it.
nic – but it’s there.
yes. uh huh. it’s there right now. …. it gets easier. huh – paralyzed again.
it’s there but i kind of retract behind something. ..
nic – but it’s there..
and it’s there.
nic – where is there?
freeze. it’s an interesting state i’m in right now. i understand what you say.. i understand the question…and at the same time i’m aware..there’s an awareness on top of that that judges this. there’s no not an awareness yet. i’m judging myself… middle of a process right now.
there’s a discomfort in it.. an unease.
nic – is uneasy a bad thing?
it’s omnipresent right now.. it’s in the way of what i wished would be here. yes it’s a bad thing because i want something else i guess. there’s a part that imagined an ease in front of the camera. yeah. good to notice.
nic – so it’s a bad thing?
no – it’s part of what i had as an objective.. which was to or name experience what it was being in front of the camera… sitting in there is quite intense.. it’s intense.. and it’s my intensity.. getting in contact with that. welcome to my world.
nic – i haven’t got a question.
and there is none needed right now.
nic – so there’s nothing needed.
the confronting thing right now is there’s not many words to put on that sense or that feeling that i experience right now.. i sense a pressure of the microphone.. i’ve got to put words into it.. i’ve got to pour words into the microphone.
nic – that’s absurd.. the microphone is .. plastic.. it doesn’t need anything.. so that can only be you. so the pressure doesn’t come from the microphone or the camera, and i don’t think it’s coming from me, i don’t mind. so you said where there’s no words.. but do you need words.. so what are you trying to do.
true. do i really need words.. or is just being there enough.. showing up
nic – when you’re with people.. surely if you want to be somewhere else or it to be different.. that’s going to affect everything.. but if you’re ok, it probably has a profound effect on people.
nic – so you ..wanted to be able to articulate what it is you do best.. the thing beyond words..
put words on the thing beyond words –
nic – that’s kind of absurd isn’t it.
nic – so have a go at putting words beyond words. you don’t have to use many. i don’t know. you could try.
that’s a good invitation.. that self-conscious comes again – can’t be obnoxious.
nic – so there’s no risk.. and there never was any risk. so give it a go. … say the words i am and then just wear it on your face.
i am. i just.. am. i do nothing. i don’t name it. i don’t put words on it. i just sit there. i sit. ok.
nic – is that enough
nic – and then sometimes you don’t just sit. you talk. you engage with people.
to get to that point. i engage with people to get to that point. that – call it – tipping point where it happens. so engaging in that sense is trying to get us both to get to that tipping point where it happens. that’s all it is.
nic – you’re unbelievably deep… and it’s almost like you don’t even need to say anything. i get that. but you do say lots of things. but using justification of that. to stop it.
yeah. explaining or inviting. and just noticing how many words there are.. how many layers of words i put on top of it.. hurts. .yeah. just sitting. huh.
you talk about depth but it is lighter at the same time. it vibrates differently. something totally calms down in me when it has happened – it – that tipping point that connection that uncovering – has happened. then it’s gone. pressures off. everything unfolds and that was it.
now go explain that.
nic – stop talking.
no words ness