listening w/o interfering
aka: non hierarchical listening to self/others/nature.. in the middle of the night (to al)
summary: she’s taking care of it. but perhaps we could quit interfering
yesterday is an ie of how i got to the pt i was at when you came to stay .. of focusing on helping her let go.. seeing that as her only relief at this pt in her life.. this pain filled life that she ‘hates’.. which she’s voiced consistenly for 15+ yrs..
in my mind.. yesterday was like if we took her back to 1119.. reminded her of all the good.. where she can be afraid of death again..
but we can’t fully resuscitae that/her.. so it just perpetuates the oscillation.. of:
1\ people telling/reminding her of happy thoughts.. so she’s living/appearing happy when we’re (outside voices) there with her (phone or in person).. but
2\ when we leave.. she’s still at 1119.. but w/reality of mice and stacks of clothes and immobile body and forgetful/incoherent mind.. in that reality.. when no one else is trying to convince her it’s still a happy 1119/life for her.. she’s still in that everyday life ness that is her reality.. where she can hear her gut wanting to let go..
so.. yesterday to me.. is perhaps an ie of life support .. w/o machines.. but rather with loved ones bringing her back from the long pain filled road she’s been on.. and saying.. come on .. give it another shot.. hang on.. don’t go yet..
no one said or even wanted that yesterday.. but what we did.. in love.. and maybe how she heard it.. was to bring her back to the memory/myth mode.. (because the last at least 10 yrs at 1119 wasn’t happy for her.. 1119 memory.. now definite myth for her reality) .. but we ended with her saying..’i love life.. am afraid of dying.. don’t know if i believe there will be any bridge playing’ (vs 4 days earlier answering carol’s questions with: ‘i just want a pill so i can go.. i used to swim to live longer and i don’t want to live any longer.. i’m not afraid of death’.. et al)
did same 7 yrs ago.. brought her back from long painful path headed for death.. couldn’t stand seeing her die w/mice et al
but.. after 1st 30 day experiment (7 yrs ago i regimented a daily: 10 min treadmill, 10 min piano.. and after 30 days she was no longer repeating herself – mind.. and not using cane – mobility.. at end of 30 days when i was no longer making sure it happened everyday.. she never again did either regularly).. so that 30 days was followed by ongoing ness of no desire to help self (which she had already modeled/voiced at least the last 10 yrs at 1119).. at that time.. 5-6 yrs ago.. i determined in my gut.. to do/try palliative care as best i could on her terms as best we could..
yesterday reaffirmed to me.. perhaps that’s only way to listen sans interfering.. sans the heart wrenching ness of oscillating ness
and too.. we needed yesterday.. because we needed to get closer to being on same page.. ie: now everyone is fully aware that she is close to death
so now am rejuv’d.. w/a new wish list:
1\ ideally w you here (nobody else has seen last 40 yrs as realistically and involved/seen so much in last 6).. because i could use support.. and if i could pick my support/partner for the specific mission of listening to w/o interfering.. i choose you (note: doesn’t mean you have to physically stay here entire time.. you can come in and out w/o disrupting the dance)
2\ w just me here.. because i now have hospice as enough support.. ie: you here got us hospice.. which means i now have legal/free means to meds and muscle (someone to help move/lift).. and ie: last night.. i totally felt back in the groove/dance we’ve established over that last several ish yrs
[additional note since we just now (sat am) talked: i needed last night to know that i could do it on my own.. your presence has made me at times dependent (in a bad way) on you.. i will depend (in a good way) on you.. but first my mindset needed to be that i don’t have to be a wimp about things since you’re here]
a stay with g as liason fo communication and to work on next step.. ie: service or no service, update phone calls, et al
on updates to a.. call/text (or fb message if me).. may be in 2 parts 1/ to g&a 2/ to everyone else.. unless a wants to decide that too.. also.. thinking updates don’t need (or mom would want them) to be so detailed.. people don’t need (not helpful) to hear the stages.. just to hear that ‘she seems to being going in her own way’.. so updates might get easy/boring/repetitive
sling.. visions of you trying to mover her on her side.. sad.. made me wonder how said it looked those last few trips to bathroom..
wrap both legs?.. and request they stay wrapped (she said.. not broken don’t fix)
from needing walker close to bed so she can reach phone.. to pushing button rather than calling (but then.. she can call in her sleep.. auto pilot maneuver).. then to video monitor? .. no.. she would hate that.. capturing those images.. then to voice monitor?.. no.. then to.. stress helps hasten death (*quotes from googling ‘helping die in palliative care).. these last moments of stress are much less loneliness/fear/pain.. than the hours/days of it she’s experienced last 2 (last 40) years.. and especially this last week.. part of our letting go.. is perhaps.. letting her go out.. in an un peaceful way if need be.. that’s like her personality.. she was so proud of her red hair flame of fire.. perhaps it’s her way to do what we did last night.. letting go.. of negatives.. and perhaps what we do tonight.. she’ll do after she goes (out the open/closed window)
*googling in the middle of the night ‘Patients with poorly controlled pain, shortness of breath, and agitation actually die sooner because of the stress caused by this suffering.’.. ‘research suggests that using opioids to treat pain or trouble breathing near the end of life may help a person live a bit longer.’
then too from palliative care page (i think i already shared this with you.. but even more resonating now):
from nearing the end article by marco buscaglia:
like humans, pets can’t live forever, but unlike humans, they can’t tell you when they no longer wish for medical care that may prolong a life well lived.. esp if med care also means prolonged pain. instead, they rely on you, the responsible pet owner, to see to it that they’re able to enjoy a comfortable existence.. sometimes that means you’ll have to make difficult decisions knowing that certain actions may bring your pet peace, but they’ll ultimately bring you sadness..
people too can’t tell you..
our pets may act nobly when they’re feeling pain but their ability to quietly deal w physical discomfort doesn’t mean it’s ok.. this is esp true when our in home pets are no longer able to act on some of their basic needs w/o assistance.. you may think you’re doing your dog a favor by carrying him up /down the stairs or helping your cat out by hand feeding her every day but if they physical nature has worsened to the point where they’re not longer able to do the simplest of functions, are you actually helping, or are you taking way their independence and.t o an extent, their dignity? despite your intentions, you no longer maybe giving your beloved pets the life that they necessarily desire
an obvious but often unspoken reason people allow their pets to live out their days in discomfort may be that the owner isn’t ready to give up that part of his life.. many pet owners depend on their pets for support/comfort which makes it easier for them to justify their decision to keep their pets alive, even when that pet may be living in pain.. it’s a difficult decision to give up what may be the most consistent part of your life but filling a personal void by avoiding an inevitable event shouldn’t be used to justify your pet’s unnecessary pain..
there’s no shame in being unable to afford high cost treatment plans that may only numb an animal’s discomfort or briefly prolong their eventual demise..
even more.. numbing/prolonging could be the opposite of what you think.. harming vs loving.. obsessing vs letting go.. et al..